


Possibilities

by ninjamming



Series: Kana Ficlets [1]
Category: Coronation Street
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-04
Updated: 2018-01-30
Packaged: 2019-02-10 16:56:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 26,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12916245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ninjamming/pseuds/ninjamming
Summary: A series of ficlets showing events during or between Kate/Rana scenes. (latest: Kate's adventures in Devon)





	1. Dec 4th - the clinic

**Author's Note:**

> Just a quick thing I knocked out in the break between episodes because tonight’s ep made me feel so many conflicting things. Apologies if it's messy as a result.
> 
> Anyway, this is the scene in Rana’s office, after they cut away.

 

‘Zeedan's a beautiful person. But he doesn’t make you happy.’ Kate reaches out, framing Rana’s face between her hands. ‘But _I_ can... If you’ll let me.’

The silence hangs in the air after Kate’s statement, as she waits for Rana to answer. Her gaze is intense, and understanding. Too understanding.

Kate. Always so sweet; always so willing to give herself to people she loves. Rana almost prefers when she’s angry, or calling Rana out for being cruel, because at least that’s familiar; she deserves that much, for everything she's put Kate and Zee through.

This, though? Kate looking at her with such love in her eyes, trying so hard to empathise with Rana’s situation? This is utterly _terrifying_. It scares Rana how quickly Kate has let her in, even though it’s barely been a few days since their talk in the van. When Kate was the one keeping her walls up, things were difficult. But somehow it’s worse now, knowing she has the other girl's heart on a platter in front of her. Knowing all she has to do is _choose_. All she has to do is say yes, and she could be living a whole other life. 

No one told her actually having what she wants within arm’s reach would hurt more than feeling like it was always too far away. One simple word feels like an impossibility.

Now all she wants to do is run fast in the other direction. All she wants to do is just slow down, pause, and be able to think for a bit. Everyone seems to be demanding something from her, pulling her in opposite directions – tell him, tell her, hide yourself. All Rana wants to do is scream and rip her hair out until people leave her alone.

She’s been lost in thought too long; she’s left too long a silence. At Rana’s lack of response, Kate gives her a bracing smile and lets her hands fall; she steps back, putting distance between the two of them. But not far enough, still hanging close, a supportive presence. Before, she would have left in a huff. She’s trying so hard: putting up a brave front even though it’s blatantly obvious she hates every moment of this. 

But it’s not like Rana is enjoying it, either. She hates swinging between hot and cold with the people she loves most. She hates how defeated Kate looks, knowing _she_ put that expression there. And even the small moments where she gives Kate hope and sees that amazing smile on her face doesn't make up for the moments where she looks completely betrayed by Rana's inability to decide. Worse is when she imagines the same expression on Zeedan, if and when she has to break his heart. No matter what, she can’t see any of this ending without heartbreak for anyone.

Even worse is that she simply _doesn’t know what to do._ None of the available options seem to work. When she’s with Kate, she wants Kate. Everything seems so possible. When she’s with Zeedan... She still wants Kate, but the fear seems to come back tenfold. All she can see when she looks at Zee and thinks about leaving him is the certain disappointment in his eyes, and her family’s; all the failed dreams and the life she’d have to leave behind.

All she can see when she looks at Kate is her stupid, _hopeful_ fucking face, and the way it makes her hope, too.

She blinks away tears, trying to get herself under control. She does have patients after Kate leaves, after all, and they'll be unsettled if they see she's been crying. ‘Kate, look, I...’ She clears her throat. ‘I want to talk to him, I do.’ Kate raises her eyebrows, sceptical. ‘Honest. I just – I need time. To think. And decide.’

‘Well, how much time?’ she demands.

‘I don’t know.’

‘ _Rana_...’ She puts her fingers to her temples, massaging in frustration. 'You're giving me a proper headache, I swear.’

‘I know,’ she says quickly. ‘And I am sorry. But with that whole cafe thing too, it’s... I’m not sure how to tell him. I have no idea how.’

‘You’re actually going ahead with that?’ says Kate incredulously. Rana’s hesitance to reply says it all. Kate’s mouth snaps shut and her brows knit together. She’s hurt, Rana can tell. ‘Right. Even though just yesterday you were saying it’s too big a commitment?’

‘Please don’t be mad,’ Rana begs her quietly. ‘I can’t stand it when you’re mad at me.’

‘I’m not mad,’ says Kate. And she isn't. Never mind that part of Rana wants Kate to be mad at her, or to push her away again, because that's way more familiar. 'I’m just...’ Kate cards her hands through her hair. ‘I’m confused, y'know? I can never tell what the hell is going on in your head. I want to believe you’re not just stringing me along, but... Sometimes you make it so hard to believe otherwise...’

Her voice is starting to become thick. And this alarms Rana, because Kate is _not_ a crier. She’s a storming-off, screaming in the privacy of her own home type person; she hates anyone to see her so vulnerable. But she’s starting to fall apart, and that too is terrifying – that she’d actually let Rana see how badly she’s hurting, beyond rightful anger or confusion. 

Rana bites down on the knuckle of her hand, trying to keep herself together. ‘I don’t mean to. I’m just... I don’t know how to make everyone else happy here. It seems like no matter what I do, I'll just set off this... shitstorm. I feel trapped.’

‘What about what you want?’ Kate asks, frowning. ‘What would make _you_ happy?’

Rana has no answer for that. At least, no audible one, because the answer is staring at her right in the face and smiling at her in a heartbreakingly bittersweet way. It'd be so easy to just say Kate's name. 

But she can't say a word. 

Faced with a brick wall of silence again, Kate lets out a long, shaky breath. She finally breaks eye contact with Rana, and turns towards the door.

‘Forget it. I'll let you get on and see your actual patients. I know how anxious you get when you can't look after other people. But, y'know...’ She stops, her hand pausing on its way to turn the door handle. ‘Make sure you take some time for you too, Rana. Because you matter, too. You matter a lot.’

That makes Rana stir, and turn. ‘Kate, I -’

But she's gone, leaving Rana standing alone, and the whispered echo of words behind her.

_You matter._

Those words linger in her mind well after the door gently closes behind Kate. Well after Rana is attending other patients and taking their blood pressure with a fake smile on her face. Writing up notes repeatedly because she's made so many mistakes. Her mind is elsewhere.

_You matter._

It lingers in her mind all the way to the Rovers after work, pretending to Zee that she's excited for the cafe and watching him scribble sums onto a pad of paper. Pretending she gives a shit about Alya's problems with locating materials, or Luke's glares and moods.

_You matter._

It lingers when she's lying to Luke out of panic, telling him she's pregnant as a way to get him off her back, to protect herself. To gain just a little bit more time to think. The lies roll off easily from her tongue, but for once she _knows_ they're lies. Because a thought is starting to worm its way into her head:

_You matter._

It lingers, and grows louder, almost cacophonous when she meets Kate again. When she kisses Rana and tells her that she'll support her all the way. When she understands, again, instead of yelling at her like she might have done before.

_You matter._

And when Kate looks at her like that, and kisses her like that... she can almost believe it.


	2. Dec 8th - caught in Rana's house

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm pretty late on this one, but least I managed to get it out before tonight's eps! I'm just gonna post my ficlets here, unless people prefer me to do them as individual stories :)

When Kate knocks, Rana opens the door and steps back inside quickly, but not without a glance over Kate’s shoulder to check if anyone’s seen her come in. As long as Luke (or Alya, because she might mention it) isn’t watching they’re probably in the clear, since no one else would really suspect what was going on between the them. Two girls? Having an affair? Even on Coronation Street, with several LGBT residents of its own, it’s probably a little bit out there for those out there to notice, unless they were already looking.

So… They’re safe. It’s doubtful that anyone would work it out. And they haven’t even done anything untoward, _yet. S_ o even if someone walked in all they would see is Kate giving her a side glance and asking, ‘Alright?’ a little too casually, and Rana answering breathlessly, ‘Yeah. They’re all – out.’

That acknowledgement of the empty house makes her stomach twist in guilt. Because letting Kate into the house somehow feels … worse than anything they've done before.

This is planned. Premeditated.

When they've kissed (or more) in the past it was unexpected, motivated by alcohol, or at the very least, strong emotion. It was spur of the moment. But today, she actively went out of her way to see Kate - even going so far as to turn up at her place of work - and invite her back to an empty house. There was no ambiguity about what they both wanted, and from the slightly hungry stare Kate is giving her, there still isn't. For once, she and Kate aren't getting caught up in a whirlwind of passion or whatever bullshit excuse she's told herself in the past.

She is actively chosing to cheat on Zee with Kate.

And yet… The odd thing is that all of that is just a distant buzz in her the back of her mind. The majority of her focus is on Kate and how irritatingly attractive she looks right now. She's obviously showered since leaving the gym this morning, and put on some perfume; the smell greets Rana as soon as she opens the door. It's a fragrance she's become very, very familiar with over the past few weeks. Just a whiff recently has taken her straight back into angry, whispered conversations… but now, also reminds her of pressing kisses into the crook of Kate's neck in the back of her food van.

It takes all she has to keep breathing steadily and not drift back into those memories, because then they’ll definitely get caught.

‘For now,’ Rana adds, with a nervous laugh. Somewhat unnecessarily, because they’re both hyper aware of the fact that anyone could come in at any moment. Even as they’re talking, half of all their attention is on the outer door and straining to hear for any sound of activity outside. Kate can tell that she's nervous; it's pretty obvious by the way she has to practically chase Rana into the room, because she keeps unconsciously backing away.

And why does she offer a _drink_ ? It sounds more like something she'd offer her mum more than her secret lesbian lover (is that what she is? What _is_ Kate to her?). It just falls out of her mouth due to the nerves.

But Kate won't let her run and hide in the corner of the room. She grabs her hands, tugging Rana back, and threads their fingers together. Their palms touching is soothing and warm, and grounds Rana somewhat.

She sighs minutely, then fixes Kate with a sheepish grin. ‘This is weird.’

‘In a good way?’

Yes. No.

Both.

Rana doesn’t answer, but her expression – a pained sort of mix between a grin and a grimace – says it all.  Now she has the prospect of dating Kate laid out in front of her, she realises the depth of her ignorance. Dating a woman probably isn't that different to dating a man, but somehow it feels like an entirely new world to Rana. They’ve spent so long fighting it, that giving in feels strange too. Every shared look or touch or kiss comes with the pleasure of promise, but also the guilt of all the commitments they have to break on the way.

She confesses, ‘I don't know what to do... Or say.’

At this, Kate looks surprised, but in an amused way - not a judgmental way. ‘That’s not like you.’

She's right. Rana has always been in charge, or at she's always least thought she was. Even up until now, with the constant push and pull between the two of them Rana has felt like it was ultimately her pursuing a fleeing Kate. It wasn’t pleasant, but it was familiar. After the wedding however, it’s felt like the opposite; Kate chasing her while _Rana_ veers back and forth. Now things are calmer, she has the ability to settle down and think, and to enjoy – but also to second guess every moment.

‘I know.’ Rana ducks her head away momentarily. Admitting that she doesn't know what she's doing somehow makes her feel more vulnerable than anything else they've done so far.

But Kate's just looking at her, smiling in this _knowing_ and painfully reassuring way. She's gotta know how much Rana is internally panicked; it must be obvious from how flushed her cheeks are and how she can’t keep eye contact. But that smile seems to say that Kate sees her anxiety and fluster, understands, and still loves her despite not knowing what the hell she's doing.

It says that Kate doesn't know either, but she wants to work it out. Together.

Kate leans in and kisses her, and Rana is so ready for it. Feeling Kate's mouth on hers, her body finally, _finally_ relaxes. It's so much easier when they kiss, because Rana knows this. She understands kissing. She understands kissing Kate; the feel of the other woman’s hair tickling her face, the little inbreath she takes between kisses, and the feel of her back underneath her fingers. God knows they've done a fair bit of it so far. All this other stuff – the sneaking around, the hopefulness, and the shy holding of hands – is completely beyond her.

Unfortunately, the return to familiarity is shortlived, because they hear the outer door slam and in seconds they've pulled away to see Zee storming in. They've learned from the van and the constant interruptions up until now to always keep one ear or eye on their surroundings, so they aren’t caught out. But the fact they keep being interrupted, and Zee’s just been fired (yet another set of bad news to add to the steadily growing pile) makes Rana wonder.

Is this karma for lying? Is the world trying to punish her somehow, or get her to make a decision by literally forcing her to confront this situation?

Kate understands, but her wounded expression as she’s leaving tells Rana that she can’t keep this up too much longer.


	3. Dec 11th - Michelle's Blackmail

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Michelle leaves, the cracks start to show.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unsure about this one! It's maybe a bit early for such a heavy convo, and I'm sure Corrie would drag it out a bit more, but oh well.
> 
> For the record, I'm gonna try and write as many ficlets as I can for each ep. But sometimes there's just not much I feel like exploring further (and also I have a full time job and other things I should probably be focusing on more...). 
> 
> We've been lucky so far because Corrie likes to tease, but I just wanted to say - don't be disappointed if I don't get round to writing one :)

When Michelle leaves, there are a few moments of silence where Rana and Kate just look at each other in disbelief. This is not how either of them thought the evening would go - a romantic drink together in the Bistro turning into Rana lying to the police, and the two of them being blackmailed by Kate's cousin. Kate turns away from the eye contact, breaking the quiet with an angry, frustrated noise. ‘This is _such_ a nightmare,’ groans Kate, rubbing her temples. 'I can't believe this... I need a drink.’

She storms over to the cupboard, finds the first glass she sees - a Christmas mug with a picture of a kitten wearing a Santa hat - and grabs an unopened bottle of wine from the side. She pours it to half full (spilling a considerable amount over her fingers), then takes a long, slow gulp. She hardly tastes the alcohol as it's going down.

Rana can only blink at this behaviour. ‘Er... Don’t you think you should slow down a bit?’

Kate laughs at her, already starting to pour herself another. ‘After the night we've had? You must be joking. Want one?’ she adds, hand half-heartedly reaching for another mug, but she’s clearly not in the mood to share.

Rana shakes her head silently, lips pressed into a tight line. Self preservation says she should leave, before she and Kate get caught in another compromising position - if Luke and Alya come back they’re fucked. But there’s no way she can leave Kate in this state. She’s all twitching fingers and stiff jaw, and almost certainly shouldn’t be alone right now unless she’s tucked up in bed watching Netflix in her PJs.

As Kate tips her head back to get the last few drips out of the mug, it slips from her fingers and drops onto the counter, thankfully staying intact but spraying a small amount of wine onto her work shirt. ‘Fuck!’

The yell, and the accompanying slam of Kate's mug down on the countertop makes Rana jump. Kate doesn’t swear much, at least not in anger. Even from across the room, Rana can see that Kate's pupils are blown and her nostrils are flared as she takes harsh, jolting breaths. Her head is bent over the counter, shoulders hunched into a painful position.

It's the first time in a while she's seen Kate on the verge of breaking down. It's probably the adrenaline from the would-be robber attack catching up on her, Rana realises; even though it was Michelle, they did both think they could be in danger. And Michelle's blackmail has done little to help them calm down since the incident. Not to say Rana isn’t feeling the exact same (a nice bath and some sleep is _definitely_ in order). But right now, Kate needs her more, and letting her getting into a state while drunk won't end well for any of them. She has the wedding to prove that.

‘Hey...’ In two long strides Rana crosses over to Kate and takes her hands, pulling her away from the slowly spreading red liquid. _‘Hey_.’ Kate tries to pull away from her, but Rana isn't having it. ‘Kate. Take some nice deep breaths for me, okay?’

Kate's looking right at her but not seeing her. Her eyelashes are wet and stuck together, from tears that Rana never saw her shed. Rana squeezes her hands, a little hard to try and draw Kate's attention to her. ‘ _Deep breaths,_ Kate,’ she encourages her gently, trying to demonstrate with her own breathing. Slowly, she starts responding and imitating the other woman's slow inhales and exhales. ‘There we go. That’s it.’

It doesn’t take long for Kate to come back to herself, but then she’s never been one for prolonged panicked freakouts; that’s more Rana’s style. As she returns to the room, she shakes herself a little bit, noticing the still dripping mug. She pushes herself away from Rana, detaching their hands. ‘One sec. I need to clean this up.’

She pulls cleaning supplies and paper towels out of cupboards and sets to mopping up the stain and the marks on her shirt. There’s only a small amount there, and she probably has other shirts she can use, but Kate cleans it with almost obsessively ferocity. Rana almost steps forward to help but Kate's eyes flash in a warning fashion, so she stays back. When everything is spotless again - probably more than it has been in months - Kate leans against the counter and puts her head in her hands.

Rana waits for her to speak, but she doesn't. So she asks in a tentative voice, ‘Kate, are you... okay?’

‘Yes.’

‘Are you sure?’

 _‘Yes_ ,’ Kate snaps - and then winces in apology, like she immediately regrets raising her voice to Rana. ‘I’m fine, I’m just - No. I’m fine. Everything is fine.’

‘That's _super_ convincing,’ Rana says jokingly. But the joke falls on deaf ears, so she gives up. Rana crosses over to the sofa, and pats the seat next to her. ‘Why don't you come sit down?’

Kate takes an age to walk over, and when she sits she's stiff and distant in a way she hasn't been in a while. Maybe not since that day when they argued when the van broke down. Unbidden, the thought crosses Rana’s mind that maybe she’s changed her mind about the whole thing, and wants to call it off. The prospect is gut-wrenchingly upsetting. And it’s not helped when Kate turns to her, sighs, and says, ‘I'm really sorry, Rana.’

‘What for?’ She keeps her tone careful, but inside she's already inwardly preparing for the worst.

‘I'm so stupid. I've got you and Zee into this huge bloody mess,’ she says bitterly. ‘God. This is all my fault.’

Rana’s stomach squeezes. Does she mean tonight, or the entire affair? ‘You’re not stupid,’ she says, feeling stupid herself as she says it. She tries to pretend there isn't a lump imagining Kate abandoning her now, when she’s only just started to become comfortable with the idea of being Kate’s… whatever. She's still not ready to take the leap and leave Zeedan immediately, but she's been slowly warming to the idea based on the faith that Kate would support her. She said she would. Is she changing her mind, now?

‘I _am_ ,’ Kate insists. ‘If it wasn’t for me having this ridiculous idea for a date night and to try and spend some alone time with you, neither of us would be being blackmailed and you wouldn’t have had to lie to the police. Plus, things could have been even worse. Imagine if it'd been a real robber? Something could have happened to you... or me. I don't know what I was thinking.’

‘But it wasn't,’ Rana reminds her. ‘It was Michelle. You couldn't have known what was going to happen.’

‘Still, anyone could have come in,’ Kate goes on stubbornly. ‘If not a robber, then Robert. Or Daniel. This whole thing between me and you could have been blown wide open and I’d have put both of our personal lives in jeopardy. I shouldn't have risked it... I don't know what's wrong with me.’

Rana is at a loss for words. She's never witnessed Kate acting quite like this - upset, yes, angry _yes_. But this is different somehow. Kate hasn’t blame herself or her part in the whole affair before. Kate swallows roughly, her teeth sawing into her bottom lip as she gives Rana the fakest smile she’s ever seen, while her eyes are glittering with unshed tears again. ‘Seems like all I do is bring misfortune to your life, eh?’ she says.

‘What are you saying?’

‘I'm saying that, sometimes I wonder if I'm worth all the stress for you.’

‘ _Kate ..._ ’

It's a far cry from Kate of only a week ago, with her claims that she could make Rana happy. She's never seen Kate this scared, or this insecure.

The worst part is that Rana can’t even claim that she’s never had the same thought. Because in her darkest moments, she _has_ wondered - is this worth it? Is one woman really worth uprooting her whole life over? Is Kate worth breaking Zee's heart over? Is she worth the lies and the constant deceit?

The thing is, her heart already knows that Kate is worth it. It's just trying to convince her brain that's the problem.

Fighting her own anxiety and paranoia about someone coming in, Rana gently lifts her hands to cup Kate's face. She does flinch at first, but Rana holds fast and encourages her to make eye contact. Kate does this to her all the time, and it soothes her like nothing else to see those dark eyes looking back at her. She hopes the effect is equally strong in reverse. ‘Listen,’ she says softly, gently rubbing her thumbs over Kate's cheeks. ‘Tonight didn't go how either of us planned. That's not your fault, or mine. I don't want you blaming yourself for this when you had nothing to do with it.’

‘But -’

‘No buts,’ she tells Kate firmly. ‘The idea was dead romantic, even if the execution wasn't quite there. Not to mention... You were brilliant,’ says Rana, tucking a piece of hair behind Kate's ear. ‘If it _had_ been a robber, I don't know what I'd have done if you weren't there. You knew what to do, and you weren't frightened at all. My knight in shining - ’ She plucks at the still damp material of Kate's shirt, ‘- wine stained top.’

The way Kate giggles at that and averts her eyes in such a humble (yet obviously still pleased) fashion makes Rana melt a little. ‘I _was_ bricking it, actually,’ Kate admits. ‘But I didn't want anything to happen to ya. So it was just instinct.’ It's one of those increasingly frequent moments, where Rana can't think of a single thing to say - besides three words that have been pounding her brain for the last however long. But this isn’t the moment. Or so she tells herself. Instead, Rana just kisses her on the nose.

‘Still...’ says Kate. She exhales in frustration, fluttering Rana’s hair. ‘If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't have been there in the first place.’

‘True,’ Rana admits, ‘but if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have been about to have a romantic candlelit dinner, with you, the woman I...’ She trails off, gulping. There's no end to that sentence that she feels ready to say. ‘Well. You know.’ Kate's small smile and her warm gaze seems to suggest she does. Biting her lip, Rana murmurs, ‘You've changed my life a lot, Kate. But always for the better. You're more than worth all of this. I promise.’

Kate's breath catches at that. She blinks fast, and scrubs at her cheek with her palm, but Rana can already see that she's welling up a bit. ‘Do you really mean that?’ she says, voice barely above a whisper.

‘Yes,’ says Rana emphatically. ‘One hundred percent.’

A smile finally crosses Kate's face then, and she reaches for Rana to pull her into a tight hug. ‘I love you,’ whispers Kate into her ear, the emotion making her voice crack.

And Rana could just say it back - the words are right there, and she knows Kate is waiting for it. But she won’t. Not while she's still with Zee. If and when she says it, it should be because she's able to shout it from the rooftops. She owes Kate that much.

For now though, Rana presses a single kiss to Kate's temple and rests her forehead there momentarily, hoping it can convey what she can’t yet express with words.


	4. Dec 13th - at Michelle's flat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kate takes Rana up to Michelle's flat for the first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt from waverlys-shotgun on Tumblr. It’s possible they’ll cover this in the show, but we’ll see :) I think you wanted me to make this fluffier (and probably smuttier) than it came out, but I just can’t resist a bit of angst…
> 
> Not sure why all these keep being in Rana’s POV!

 

‘This is so weird,’ complains Rana, as Kate is sticking the key in the door to Robert and Michelle’s flat. ‘It’s like one step away from getting a cheap hotel out in the middle of nowhere. Totally trashy.’

‘A flat up the cobbles is hardly in the middle of nowhere. And it’s the most practical thing to do right now,’ Kate reminds her. She opens the door and ushers Rana in, quickly, before shutting it too - just in case anyone has followed them up here. ‘I know the situation with Michelle is… less than ideal, but realistically speaking she has way more than us to lose in this situation. It’s in her best interest to make sure we don’t tell. It makes sense that she’d offer her flat.’

More to lose? That’s somewhat up for debate, Rana thinks sourly, although she understands what Kate is saying. There’s clearly more going on than meets the eye with Rob and Michelle if they’ve resorted to robbing their own restaurant, but things certainly feel pretty precarious on Rana’s side.

Kate puts a hand on her shoulder, rubbing it soothingly. ‘Could be worse,’ she says, semi-jokingly. ‘Could be at either of our places, with one ear at the door waiting for someone to barge in.’

‘And you reckon that’s not going to happen here?’ asks Rana. She can’t keep the skepticism out of her tone - Kate’s already assured her one place was empty, and that ended with Michelle getting cracked with a wine bottle.  

'Well, she said she'd text me when she and Rob are on their way back or if something changes, so… Hopefully not,’ says Kate. ‘Don’t worry, if they come back too early I’ll just whack Michelle with the wine again.’

‘Oh, don’t. One assault this week is plenty.’ Rana puts down her bag on the floor and looks around uneasily. It feels strange and alien being in another person’s flat alone, especially since Rob doesn’t know yet; even though they have permission, it feels like they'll get in trouble just standing around. ‘Well. Guess I'll stick the kettle on, then?’

Kate bursts out laughing at that. ‘Two minutes in a place of our own and you’re already getting well domestic,’ she says. ‘I like that.’

It’s funny, and Rana does chuckle. But the words “a place of our own” makes her remember Zee’s suggestion of moving away, so it quickly loses its humour.

* * *

 

They settle on the sofa, sipping tea nicked from Rob and Michelle’s stash (hastily rearranged the box so it looks like none is missing). The silence they sit in is surprisingly companionable considering everything going on in their heads. They have a lot they could be saying to each other - Kate nearly asks what she told Zee about being here tonight, while Rana almost spills about her panic about the police, and about whether she should tell her brother about what's going on.

But they don't. Those things still exist, but in the background. Outside this room.

She sees Kate looking at her out of the corner of her eye, with that expression she seems to have more and more: her lips pressed together like she’s afraid if she lets herself smile to the full extent she wants then her face will break, eyes crinkling at the corners. Rana isn’t sure anyone has ever looked at her that way. Certainly not Zee or any man that came before him. And maybe not anyone after Kate, either.

‘This is nice,’ Kate says, reaching out and putting a hand on Rana’s knee. She can feel the warmth - almost too much - seeping through the material of her trousers. ‘It's weird having a place where we can just be, and not have to worry so much… Even if all we’re doing is having a cuppa.’

‘It is,’ Rana agrees, but offers little other comment. The silence drags as Kate waits for her to say something else, but when she doesn’t, Kate raises her eyebrows.

‘A cuppa and some truly _riveting_ conversation.’

Rana grimaces. ‘I’m sorry. I’m not being great company right now.’

‘I’m only messing,’ Kate replies quickly, with another reassuring pat on her knee. ‘Are you alright?’

‘Yeah. I guess I’m just on edge because we’ve been interrupted so many times the last few weeks. Hard to relax when you’re sure someone’s going to be bursting through the door any moment.’

‘I get that. But we’re safe here,’ argues Kate, not unkindly. ‘Only Rob and Michelle have keys to this place, and Michelle will warn us if they’re on their way back. Honestly - we’re way better off here than anywhere else.’

Kate leans in and kisses her then, as gently and lovingly as ever. After only a few moments however, Rana lightly pushes her shoulders and breaks the kiss. Her expression isn't angry, but questioning, and concerned. ‘Everything okay?’

‘Look, I know I’m being stupid,’ says Rana, ‘and it's not that I don't love kissing you - because I do - but I don’t feel comfortable here. I know things in the van were heated and we’ve been all about kissing lately, but if it’s alright with you, maybe we could… could...’ She makes wild gestures with her hands, feeling increasingly flustered and wound up.

‘Slow down?’ Kate fills in for her helpfully, and Rana is relieved to see her smiling without a bit of malice in it. ‘Of course we can. And I'm sorry if I've been making you uncomfortable.’ She shrugs, looking a little embarrassed. ‘I _do_ get a bit carried away when it comes to you, but I can rein it in if you like.’

‘No, no, you're fine!’ Rana rushes to reassure her. ‘It’s not like I’m not the same.’

‘But you’re still a bit uncomfortable,’ Kate confirms.

‘Yeah. Today at least. So… Maybe we can build back up to the other stuff once we’re more used to arrangement we’ve got here?’

She expects Kate to be mad, or at least a bit disappointed. After all, if you invite someone to an empty flat then it’s probably not that unusual to have certain _hopes_ about what might happen. Rana, on the other hand, is basically offering her nothing but the pleasure of her own company, and it’s up for debate whether that’s enough on its own. But Kate just says, ‘That sounds great to me. Anything you fancy doing instead?'

‘I don't know.’ She realises she’s being greatly unhelpful, but she’s genuinely at a loss for what to suggest. Netflix and no chill? It's a wonder Kate wants to spend any time with her at all.

‘We can just talk, I s’pose.’ Kate barks out a laugh. ‘You know, Michelle offered up this place so we could “talk”, but I don’t think she was serious.’

Rana chuckles, but feels a sense of uneasiness at the prospect of allowing herself to just talk to Kate right now. There's too much up in the air, too much that can't be fixed just yet. Too much they're ignoring and too much she wants to continue ignoring. ‘Is it weird to say I don't want to do much of anything in particular? I want to be here with you… To enjoy sitting here, not having to think or do what other people want.’

Again, she expects Kate to laugh in her face. But she says gently - with that smile on her face again - ‘That’s not weird. That sounds perfect to me.’

Rana’s cheeks colour under Kate’s steady gaze. It's almost painful to look at her when she's like that; so much affection she looks like she might burst. She'd love to let the same be mirrored back on her face, but sometimes she feels like her face would stay that way forever if she let her true feelings for Kate be known, like one of those old wives' tales.

She picks up Kate’s hand and stares down at it just to keep herself occupied, and alleviate some of the bashful awkwardness she feels. She’s always enjoyed Kate’s hands on a purely aesthetic level, even before they were lovers. She keeps them well manicured and they’re so long and strong looking - pianist’s fingers, her mum might have said. Now she’s got them in front of her she can’t help but trace them delicately, following her cuticles, over the bed of her nail, and back down the full length of her index.

Kate giggles a bit at the sensation, twitching in Rana’s grasp. ‘That tickles.’

‘Sorry,’ says Rana, automatically pulling away.

‘No. By all means, carry on.’

With a hesitant swallow, Rana continues her exploration. Kate raises her arm for her, rotating it gently for better access and displaying the pale, vulnerable underside. Rana continues the touch upwards, tracing a pathway between criss-crossing veins, the odd freckle and the goosebumps rising at her touch. The permission to touch further feels oddly intimate, even though Kate is fully dressed and all she’s touching is Kate’s _wrist_ for god’s sake. But she can feel the blunt edges of her radius and ulna, every flexing muscle beneath her skin. Once upon a time Rana might have been able to name all of them, but lack of practice and the proximity of Kate makes her memory foggy and distant.

‘How does it look, nurse?’

‘Not sure,’ Rana murmurs, unaware they've both dropped their voices to an intimate whisper. ‘Might have to look deeper.’

She strokes upwards, using her whole palm to brush over Kate’s cloth covered shoulder, making swirls in the material with her fingernails. She slides her fingers over Kate's jawline and down her neck; she lingers over the fluttering pulse point, feeling it speed up in response to her proximity. It makes her think of taking Kate's blood pressure the other day and the flirty way she’d said, ‘Not surprised,’ when Rana had mentioned that it was a bit higher than usual. Kate can be so mushy sometimes, but it isn’t something you’d know just by being her friend. It’s a privilege getting to know her in all these other ways, and not just physically either.

Briefly, she wants to put her mouth against that pulse point. She’d love to feel the fluttering beneath her tongue, and to hear the noises that Kate might make. It’s been weeks since their time in the van and despite her worries, a part of her still craves hearing it again. But there’ll be plenty of time for that. Instead she takes a breath to calm herself, and slips her hand around to the back of Kate's skull, scratching gently at the nape of her neck. She smiles when Kate shuts her eyes and tips her head into the contact, flexing her shoulder blades forward and back. ‘You’re liking this, aren’t you.’

‘Mm,’ says Kate, with a tiny little moan that makes the hairs on the back of Rana’s neck stand up. 'Is that so wrong?'

'No. I am too. You're...' Rana trips over all the adjectives queueing at her tongue - _beautiful, gorgeous, breathtaking_. They all feel true, but somehow she's still embarrassed to say them aloud. 'You know, I feel like I never get to just look at you and appreciate it. I’m always hiding or pretending I'm looking at something else. But… Now I can, and...’

‘You’re liking this, aren’t you,’ she fires back at Rana, with a smirk, eyes still shut tight.

‘Is that so wrong?’

There she stays, just watching Kate now and gently stroking her hair. Kate looks so serene in this moment, she’s practically purring.

She thinks of Zee, out in the van again trying to start a business he thinks she’s invested in. She thinks of her brother and how unhappy he's been and only just starting to break free and do what he wants. She thinks of being the “golden child” and how all too soon that’s going to fade away, once her family finds out she’s in love with a woman. She thinks of moving away with Zeedan and never getting to sit across from her again, see this face again, kiss those lips. She thinks of the tough, terrifying conversations that are sure to come, which have the potential to destroy everything.

She thinks of sitting with Kate one day, when everything is said and done. She thinks of getting to touch her like this - but knowing the woman letting out a content sigh is hers and hers alone, and vice versa.

'Do you think this is how it’ll be? In the future...?' asks Rana softly, almost too quietly to be heard.

For a second she's not sure Kate did hear, and she's faced with the terrifying prospect of choosing whether to repeat her words. But then Kate opens her eyes.

Rana almost gasps at the intensity of her gaze, and how certain she sounds when she replies:

'Yes. And much, much more.'


	5. Sep 29th - 'You need to stay away from me.'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kate confronts Rana about her supposed homophobia after Imogen leaves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this was quite a while ago but it’s probably the scene that cemented my love for this couple. Frankly I’ve wondered why Kate reacts with such immediate fury, and doesn’t even try to hear Rana’s side of things. It’s difficult writing this level of anger when they’re so loved up now but it does show how far they’ve come.
> 
> And can I just say, Bhavna totally knocks this scene outta the park. I maintain that even after watching this scene 1000 times to get the dialogue right.
> 
>  

 

‘ _You_  need to stay away from me.’

Rana turns as soon as she hears Kate’s voice. One look at her face tells Kate that she’s still totally pissed, because there’s no other reason she’d look this tragic otherwise. Kate isn’t feeling much better if she’s honest with herself; she could feel herself swaying back in the flat and everything got much more heated than it would have been were there no alcohol in her system. However, the argument with Rana, the cold air and Imogen’s brush off has gone a long way to sober her up.

Rana, on the other hand, somehow looks perfect and beautiful as ever, despite her bloodshot eyes and the tears streaming down her face. This fact incenses Kate, somehow. She might feel a bit sympathetic if there were at least some mascara smudges to highlight how sorry Rana is, or how sorry she  _should_ be.

Instead, Kate just gets slurred apologies that Rana would probably take back in the light of day. ‘I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have drunk.’

Is she serious? She thinks this is about her getting drunk? Kate snaps, ‘Alcohol don’t make you homophobic, it just means you can’t hide it!’

Rana looks like Kate’s slapped her in the face. ‘I’m not!’ she cries, seeming genuinely panicked by the idea. ‘I’m – I’m sorry, and – and, I hate us falling out. Can we just – start again?’

Hearing that desperate note in her voice drives an unwanted pang into Kate’s heart. She’s not totally emotionless, after all. Nonetheless, she’s aware from Zee that Rana can be a bit of a drama queen; probably be totally up her street to cry crocodile tears to get Kate to forgive her. If anything, Kate should be the one crying, if she were the type to do that in public. She’s the victim here. She’s the one that’s been betrayed.

Right?

She shakes her head slowly. ‘You’ve upset Imogen, and you’ve upset me.’

‘I’m sorry!’ Rana says for what seems like the millionth time, almost yelling the words at this point. ‘You said I can’t say I’m sorry, but I  _can_. I’m  _sorry._ I miss our friendship.’

The horrible thing is, Rana’s reaction does seem entirely genuine. Not to mention, Kate misses it too. A weak, scared part of Kate  _wants_ to forgive her and let it lie. And if she’s really honest with herself, maybe letting it go would be the easier thing to do. She never likes being the source of someone hurting, and Rana in particular has such a hangdog expression that she’d have to be dead inside not to be affected by that.  

But feeling that weakening inside herself just angers Kate more. How can she have any sympathy for Rana after what she’s done? That’s the road to getting hurt - letting people stay in your life after they’ve shown you their true colours. 

She’s known people who were homophobic or made disparaging comments about her sexuality. But never for long. She’s never felt the need to keep people like that in her life, because she’s always had a tight group of family and friends who supported her unconditionally in that respect. Why waste time on people that didn’t try or want to understand you? Plus, if there’s one thing Kate hates since her relationship with Caz, it’s liars. Particularly if that liar plays her for a fool, or humiliates her by pretending for months on end. She can’t go through that again.

This situation with Rana, though. This cuts Kate right to her core, because she’s never had to make the choice to cut out someone she genuinely cared about before. She’s always been so careful about not letting anyone in if they showed any sign that they meant harm to her. But this is Rana, a so-called friend, who’s talked to her about girls before; been to gay clubs with her. She acted like she enjoyed every moment. More than that though, they’ve supported each other in other ways, like when she’d confided with Kate about her dad’s MS. She’d been so grateful to have someone to talk to that really understood what she was going through, and was able to give her advice on not making him feel powerless.

 _Why_  did she do all that, if she thought Kate was disgusting, deep down?

And is that how she really feels? That Kate is disgusting? Why would she be apologising if it wasn’t the truth? There’s no other explanation for why she would she be reacting so strongly whenever she sees Kate kiss Imogen.

Maybe she can’t help it. Maybe it’s Rana’s religion, or something about her upbringing. Maybe she’s just generally a hateful person deep down (even as Kate thinks that, she knows it’s not true). She’s probably still a good person and a good friend. Even so, if she lets it go, Kate would always know every time she looked at one of her closest friends thinks she’s  _wrong. S_ he would always, always wonder whether Rana hated her identity deep down, if she was lying to her face, or disparaging Kate’s relationship behind her back. 

The thought makes Kate feel physically ill. She could bear that from a stranger, maybe even a friend like Luke or Alya. But not Rana. There's something about  _her_ betraying Kate in this way, that hurts so much more than she could have ever anticipated. Working out why that might be is something she'll only allow herself to do when she's several glasses into a bottle of wine. That's when she'll allow herself to fantasise about another life she could have led; one without marriage or rings or guilt, sifting dark curls through her fingers and smearing dark red lipstick across a mouth that fits perfectly against hers.

However, this is the life she’s ended up with. One where, when Rana makes a weak grab at Kate's hand with her left one, her ring brushes Kate's skin as she jerks away like she's been burnt. One where she sets her face in stone and forces her heart to be the same.

‘I don’t think we can be mates.’ 

She forces herself to walk away and ignore the defeated slump in Rana’s shoulders when she says those words, and the voice screaming in her head that she’s making the stupidest decision of her life so far.

 


	6. Nov 15th - the first kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The scene where Rana kisses Kate for the first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy birthday, Tumblr anon who asked if I’d post a fic for them; I finally got off my arse and finished this part for you. 
> 
> It was originally a bit longer but I just couldn’t seem to get their confrontation in the bar afterwards to flow properly :( Maybe I’ll come back to it. Hope this sates you for a little bit!

‘Hey!’

Kate can immediately tell that Rana is drunk from the first step she makes into the flat. First is the fact that Rana’s just turned up without any sort of notice. This wouldn't have been so unusual before their argument about Imogen, but sadly they fell out of that habit. Second Rana sometimes looks kind of sleepy when she’s off her face, especially when wine has been involved. Sometimes on their nights out she's wondered whether Rana would rather take a nap in the back of the club than hang out. It's cute, especially because Rana gets kind of cuddly and hands when in that state. Not that Kate would care about that kind of thing. 

‘You alright?’ Kate calls to her. She suppresses her laugh as Rana wanders in, or more accurately, stumbles in. She peers around the room momentarily; probably looking for Alya. Not seeing her, she swaggers towards the counter.

‘Been in town with Rosie and Sophie,’ Rana informs her, in that authoritative, matter of fact way that only drunk people can achieve.

Kate raises her eyebrows, half in surprise, half in amusement. It’s been a while since she’s been out with Sophie herself despite their best efforts. They’ve both had too much going on over the past few months. Kr rather Kate was a little too wrapped up in Imogen and the ensuing drama with Rana to make time for Sophie ( _bad friend,_ Kate chastises herself). 

Plus, she’s never been out with Rosie either, let alone both sisters on the same night. That's a little too much Webster for one evening. Not that she has anything against Rosie, but talking to her can be about as coherent as a conversation with a cement mixer. So to hear that Rana has gone out with the two of them - when did she even make friends with Sophie - is extremely unusual. She’s gotta find out how the hell _that_ came about, and how Rana managed to survive the night.

Maybe that’s why she’s so drunk.

‘Oh, I would have _loved_ that,’ she says, just about hiding her smirk.

Rana seems to know what she’s thinking. ‘Rosie’s good a really smart head on her shoulders,’ she admonishes Kate, tapping a finger to her temple.

‘Blimey. You have had a few.’

Rana giggles alongside Kate, and the sound is oddly heartwarming. It’s been a while since she’s heard Rana laugh, or really seen her smile at all. Kate feels her stomach twist knowing that she may well have caused that by accusing her of being homophobic. Considering how things with Imogen turned out, she really should have believed Rana (her long-time friend!) over some girl she met on a night out.

But when it comes to women, Kate can admittedly be a bit blinkered. She's since made the internal pact to be a better friend to Rana, hence why she's humouring this tipsy adventure into Kate's flat.

‘She um…’ Rana fiddles with the oven glove on the table briefly, an oddly coquettish expression on her face. Kate's seen that face before but never directed at her, but she only registers this fact in a vague sort of way. This is Rana after all. Probably “flirty” is Rana's default state, especially when tipsy. ‘She got me thinking about a few things.’

‘ _Right_ ,’ says Kate, folding her arms. She’s gotta hear this. She’s heard Rosie’s monologues before, and they’re always on the most inane subjects. However, where Kate expects to hear a drunken spiel on the pronunciation of the word “pomegranate” or something, instead there’s a loaded pause. Rana’s cheerful expression drops away to be replaced with something more serious.

This worries Kate, because her gaze is suddenly so intense, and if she didn't know better she'd think Rana was leaning in - 

-  she can't be - 

And yet - 

Is Rana _actually_ -

 She is. Rana is kissing her.

No part of Kate’s brain can process that immediately. There are too many sensations to fully understand in one second: those are _Rana’s_ lips on hers, pressing hard; not enough to bruise but there’s no hesitance in it that she might expect from kissing a supposed straight girl. Those are her hands cupping the back of Kate’s skull, dragging her forward into this sudden, forceful kiss. That's Rana's perfume invading Kate's nostrils, a smell she's often found comforting but now seems overpowering.

Kate’s eyes close in the split second in which their lips are touching. It's probably an automatic reaction to a kiss from anyone, but it’s almost like her brain wants to be able to forget who it is she’s kissing and be able to enjoy it.

But she can’t, because it’s Rana, Rana, Rana, Rana -

When Kate realises where the fuck she is, who the fuck she is, and who the fuck she’s kissing, she shoves Rana back, pushing her hands off Kate’s body. Her hands stay out in front, warning Rana against trying to approach again; Rana’s own hands drift listlessly back down to her side, as she stares at Kate in confusion.

Like _she’s_ the one acting strange.

In all the kiss takes place over a few seconds; yet in months to come she replays those seconds over and over, whether she wants to or not. Wondering whether if she’d stood somewhere else (or hadn’t been in the flat, or had gone to the loo instead of Alya), it all would have taken place in the same way. If Rana hadn’t gone out with Rosie and Sophie, would she still have tried to kiss Kate?

Is their relationship built on a fragile network of loose coincidences and possibilities, such that one wrong move on either of their parts would have meant none of this happened? 

Maybe, maybe not. It pains Kate to play with the hypotheticals. At first because she might have been able to prevent some heartbreak for the two of them if it had never happened. Later, because it hurts to think of a version of herself that might have never know what it was like to kiss Rana.

That's in the future though, when Kate has had time to process, and repeat the experience. Here in the present, however, all Kate is aware of is blind panic. In a daze she cries, ‘What d’you think you’re doing?'

Rana shrugs helplessly. ‘I was just trying to seize the day?’ is what she offers as an explanation. The confused expression on her face matches the tone of Kate’s, ‘ _What_?’

Her eyes dart around the room; Rana is suddenly shy and embarrassed. Just like the flirting, it's not a state Kate has ever seen in her presence. Right now it just infuriates and bemuses Kate even more, because _who is this person_ standing in front of her? This can’t be Rana, because the Rana she knows never gets so worked up. And the Rana she knows doesn't kiss girls, and doesn't cheat on her husband.

‘I’ve been thinking about you a lot, lately, and I… I thought…’

She trails off into a mumble, but Kate isn’t listening anyway. She’s too distracted by the sound of the toilet flushing in the next room. Alya. Fuck. As if somehow she _knows_ what’s just happened. She hopes to God that isn’t true, but Rana is still running her goddamn mouth, and if she doesn’t shut up soon then Alya is definitely going to come back and hear it all if she hasn’t already.

Kate quickly steps out from behind the counter and starts marching Rana back towards the door. ‘Your sister-in-law is about to come out the loo, so I suggest you do one. Especially in this state.’ Against Rana’s weak protests, she pushes her through the still open door and tries to ignore the distraught look on Rana’s face. ‘Just go to the Rovers, and I’ll meet you there,’ she says firmly, hoping Rana doesn’t try to argue and make a scene. Alya will be back any moment. ‘Just go!’

She’s only just slammed the door and returned to the counter when Alya comes back in. She looks around in confusion, naturally. ‘Where’s Rana?’

For a moment Kate’s brain locks up and the words “Rana just snogged me and I have no clue what to do, please help me” nearly fall out of her mouth. Luckily, she regains her sense of logic, rationality and self preservation just in time. ‘She was just dropping off a tenner she owed me,’ she fibs quickly.

Thankfully, Alya accepts this explanation without further comment. Kate, meanwhile, is already making her way to her room, only making eye contact with Alya where necessary. It’s not like Alya could possibly know Rana has kissed her, but somehow it feels like it’ll be written on there and she’ll figure it out any moment.

Alya asks, ‘Luke’s on his way home, do you want to eat with us?’

‘Um -’ Kate makes the mistake of touching her lips, and all too soon it comes flooding back into her head, derailing her thoughts momentarily. Is this how it’s going to be from now on? Is she to be scarred by the sensation of Rana's mouth on hers forever? ‘No, you’re alright,’ babbles Kate, not even knowing how she can form coherent words at this point. ‘I might go down to the pub; see who’s about.’

She scuttles into her room. Safe inside, Kate closes the door behind her and leans against it. Two lies in the space of thirty seconds. How many more are to come?

In the silence, she tries to take stock of how she feels. Anger. Right? Obviously. That's the normal way to feel when your mate gets cheated on, right? Rana is obviously messing about because she's drunk and that's just not on. Zeedan deserves better. 

Yes. Angry. She feels angry. 

Kate traces her lips with shaking fingers, this time deliberately. They’re still somehow tingling from that moment of contact, and when she licks them, she swears that a taste still lingers: something fruity and sweet, something a little bitter, and underneath all that, something undeniably... Rana. 

Heading into the bathroom, she brushes her teeth twice just to get rid of that taste. However, her thoughts and memories are not so easily flushed down the drain. Thoughts of the kiss, the sight of Rana's face as she leaned in. The knowledge that it doesn't only feel like anger or betrayal to her. It also feels like ‘I can't believe they're that soft,’ and ‘What am I going to do?’ and ‘I want to do that again.’

And a little bit of ‘Oh my God. Finally,’ that Kate will forever deny. She's not that kind of person. She's not someone that feels her heart skipping a little because of some drunken kiss with a straight girl. Or has to forcibly remind herself that this is wrong, and no part of her should have enjoyed that kiss. She's not someone who has affairs. She's not the other woman. 

Except when she is. 


	7. Dec 13th - Dec 28th: Michelle's flat p2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another peek at what Kate and Rana get up to in Robert and Michelle's flat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’d say I’m sorry for how long this got but I AM NOT. I had too much fun writing this chapter, especially because the next one isn’t so happy. ;)
> 
> I make a few references to my other story Fusion since I mentally consider that part of the Possibilities "canon", but it’s not necessary to have read that. This chapter was partially inspired by some of the conversations I’ve been having with people on Tumblr about what’s been happening in the flat. I personally don’t think they’d go all the way, but... Well. Enjoy.
> 
> (Thanks wvearp for talking me through this monster)

The first time Rana says she loves Kate isn’t some built up moment, with candles and rose petals around (like their first ruined date). She doesn’t pop it on her calendar and take Kate’s hand and tell her over a romantic dinner. But it doesn’t just come out of nowhere, either. It's not like she's been holding it back, exactly, but there's been a vague recognition in her mind that it's not something she wants to drop into conversation lightly.

It happens in Michelle’s flat, because where else? That’s where almost all their time together is spent now, since anywhere else is too risky. It feels odd sneaking around in broad daylight, but it’s the safest thing to do at the moment since most people are at work or too wrapped up in their own lives to notice the two girls sneaking off during every lunchbreak. The breaks themselves are carefully coordinated down to the last minute through a primitive code system using abbreviations and hastily deleted texts, as though they’re on some secret mission or something. It’d be fun and exciting if there wasn’t a dismal sense of necessity about the whole thing.

Even so, Rana would be lying if she said she hasn’t relaxed a little in the comfort of this space, where they can just  _be_ for a few hours a day. There’s still the worry that someone will come in, but at least it’s limited to two individuals. If it’s Michelle, then she already knows; if it’s Robert, Michelle herself has reluctantly agreed to back them up with some lie in the unlikely event that he interrupts them. At the very least, they’re safe from judgmental eyes or having to defend themselves from the public at large.

For Rana, that last part has been the most important. It’s given her time to explore her boundaries with Kate, however slowly and tentatively, and the other woman has been incredibly patient throughout the whole thing. When their time was limited together, she could never quite relax; every kiss had a touch of frantic energy that was brilliant for stirring the passion between them, but not so much for easing Rana in to the concept of a stable relationship. If she’s honest then part of her hastiness was related to never being sure when the ground would fall out beneath her, and Kate would up and leave. She had to pack as much into one moment in case she never got another chance.

Now, though, things have slowed down, and it's definitely for the better. It doesn’t matter if she and Kate spend the whole time just holding each other, without saying a word. Or if they talk - just talk, about anything, their pasts, their family, their stories - without mentioning Zee or the drama just around the corner. It doesn’t matter if she and Kate don’t get much further than kissing, or that they stop when they do. Because she’s learned that this is more to Kate than that, and she enjoys Rana’s company for more reasons than her body (although she enjoys that, too). They can just lie there with each other, loving each other in whatever capacity they wish.

She knows this because Kate pretty much tells her so, one day. They’re bundled up on the sofa, Rana lying between Kate’s legs and her cheek resting on her shoulder. Up until about ten minutes ago they were talking in soft voices, about Christmas and New Year resolutions, until they fell silent in order to enjoy the sound of the other person breathing. Kate breaks it in a soft voice, her breath ghosting over the shell of Rana’s ear. ‘I kind of live for my lunch breaks with you now.’ 

When Rana tilts her head back to look at her, a smirk playing on her lips, Kate cringes and playfully hides her face in the throw hanging off the back of the sofa. ‘Oh my God. Sorry. Was that too corny?’

‘A little bit,’ Rana teases her, eyes twinkling. She leans up, careful to distribute her weight so she’s not squashing Kate (not that she’d mind, probably) and kisses her on the cheek. ‘Don’t worry. I feel the same.’

Kate giggles, a happy flush emanating from the skin that Rana just kissed. She turns her head and finds Rana’s mouth with practised ease.

It’s strange but this never seems to get old to Rana, despite the fact that she's spent countless minutes exploring Kate's mouth by this point. There’s always something new to take in. For example, she thought Kate was pretty blasé about using teeth as a rule. However, only the other day she found that’s true only until Kate reaches a specific pinnacle of excitement; at that point, she's suddenly really into it. She'll happily have her bottom lip sucked at any point, though, and the same goes for the tip of her tongue. Kate’s learning too, and just as quickly. She seems to have sussed out that Rana has a thing for her arms, and has accordingly been wearing suspiciously cropped shirts. Even though it’s bloody freezing in Michelle’s flat during the day. Neither of them are subtle. But they don’t have to be, here.

They part with a soft _pop_ , but don’t pull away entirely at first, simply resting their foreheads together. Kate’s hand finds hers and tugs her gently. ‘Come here,’ she murmurs. At first Rana doesn’t realise what she wants until Kate slides down so she’s resting on her back. Then she understands, and with some manoeuvering Kate is guiding Rana into place, one leg either side of her body and straddling her hips.

This isn’t exactly a common position for them. If Rana’s honest the intimacy of it makes her a little jittery. She calms a little when Kate simply smiles up at her, thumbs making circles on the pulse points at either side of Rana's neck. ‘How are you _this_ pretty?’ Kate marvels, a little crease in her brow - like she’s genuinely confused by the concept, and ready to write an academic paper to solve this mystery.

Rana pushes her hair over her shoulder and sits back on her heels, hyper aware of every inch that her body is pressed against Kate’s. Her fingers skate down the insides of Kate’s wrists, settling in the crook of her elbows. ‘Flatterer,’ she accuses, with a smile. ‘I thought I was the shameless flirt in this relationship.’

Kate winks. ‘Guess you’ve finally met your match. It is true, though.’ Kate’s hand travels upwards and twirls a strand of Rana's hair around her finger. When she releases the hair it springs back, slightly curlier than before. ‘You’re beautiful.’

The compliment makes Rana squirm, in embarrassment, and - something else, too. It’s not like she’s never heard the words before. Zeedan’s said it, and so have countless guys. But Kate is different in every aspect of the word. Maybe it’s just knowing that Kate truly means it and isn’t saying it for a particular purpose. She’s just thinking it, and noting it out loud. Or maybe it’s the way Kate’s looking at her so intensely, eyelids halfway lowered. Their shared body heat is starting to feel like it’s burning through her jeans. ‘Stop,’ she says weakly, batting ineffectually at Kate, aware she looks and is acting like a teenage girl right now.

Kate raises her eyebrows. ‘What, and miss you getting all shy and adorable like this? Not on your life.’

‘I think you get a kick out making me blush, you weirdo.’

Suddenly, Kate brings her knees up in a sharp motion behind Rana, knocking her off balance with a little squeal; she just about has time to catch herself with her hands next to Kate’s face to stop herself from crushing the other woman. It’s a risky move but it seems to have paid off for Kate.

Beneath her, Kate is smirking, and there’s the hint of a challenge in her eyes. ‘Hiya.’

‘That would have been a lot less smooth if I’d whacked you in the face, you know,’ Rana grumbles as she struggles into a slightly more balanced position, albeit still hovering over Kate. If she thought the other position was intimate, this is even more so; just a few inches closer and she’d be kissing Kate. If her gaze slips down to rest on Kate’s mouth she can hardly be blamed, especially because Kate is doing the exact same thing.

‘Maybe. But ya didn’t. So my reputation as the smoothest Connor stays intact.’

‘Think highly of yourself, don’t you?’ says Rana. ‘I happen to think Johnny is pretty suave.’

Kate snorts, and reaches up to poke Rana, tickling her slightly. ‘Don’t be gross. You’re on top of me and you pick now to bring up me dad?’

‘Are you saying talking about your dad isn’t appropriate conversation when you’ve got a girl underneath you? Is it turning you off?’ Rana feigns ignorance, only just suppressing her grin when Kate groans in annoyance.

‘You really know how to ruin a moment, don't you?’

‘No idea what you mean,’ says Rana. ‘Obviously I've got a lot to learn about dating women.’ Kate scoffs, rolling her eyes at Rana's silliness. ‘Come on then. Teach us, oh wise lesbian of the North.’

Kate’s hands find their way to Rana’s hips, her thumbs rubbing tiny circles where they protrude. She seems distracted, somehow. ‘Teach you what?’

‘How to seduce ya.’

Kate blinks at her, tilting her head in mock confusion. ‘Now, why would you think I have any knowledge on _that_?’ As she speaks, her hands suddenly make their way to Rana’s back, tugging her shirt out from the waistband. Her nails scratch up the skin leading to the small of her back in several deliberate, hard lines; not breaking skin, and not hurting, but deep enough to send a frisson of heat throughout Rana's body.

Rana gasps at the sudden contact and has to plant her hand on Kate’s shoulder to stop herself from pitching forward. She has to take a breath to regain her rapidly eroding sanity.

'Why did I tell you about that?’ she says from between gritted teeth, even as she’s arching her back - simultaneously moving away from and towards the touch. Thinking about it, she didn’t exactly tell Kate. She found out about this particular sensitivity on her own, and she’s had great delight in using it against her whenever she can. ‘You just want to send me to work wound up don't you?’

Kate’s palms splay on her back, the warmth so intense it seems to seep right into Rana's bones. ‘I just want you to be thinking about me as much as I do about you. If you’re wound up, that’s just a bonus.’

 ‘Think about me a lot, do you?’

Kate smiles at that, licking her lips slightly. ‘Oh, definitely.’ Her gaze travels down Rana’s body, and settles where their pelvises meet. ‘If there weren’t so many layers in the way, I think you’d have your proof.’

Kate does this sometimes. Just hits her with some innuendo or sensual action (‘Do you want sugar with that?’), or even a clear statement like the one she just gave her. It comes out of nowhere and always knocks Rana to her knees, figuratively. It’s an odd reversal to acknowledge. In the past that has always been Rana’s forte - making other people want her, and picking the exact set of words and actions that could drive them absolutely insane. It makes her feel terrifyingly vulnerable to be on the other end of it.

Rana gulps, her mouth suddenly dry. She asks, suddenly nervous and unsure why, ‘Are you asking me to remove those layers?’

‘No,’ Kate replies, sounding pretty sure of her answer. ‘I’m just saying. You don’t need my help with seduction. I already want you enough.’

As she says that, her hips rock up into Rana’s _just slightly_ , enough that Rana could swear it hadn’t actually happened if she wasn’t extremely tuned into any movement happening between her legs. The contact coaxes a noise out of Rana, as involuntary as breathing air. She couldn’t stop it if she tried.

But then, as though Kate can sense that Rana is getting caught up in her head, she finds Rana’s hand and touches her lips to the knuckles.

‘Love you,’ she says, with an earnest innocence that belies her previous movements.

Looking down on Kate then, tears prick at her eyes just as the same words bubble up to Rana’s lips. She’s been ready for a little while, feeling it about to burst out of her when Kate does something incredibly cute like this. It’s just a case of convincing herself to do so. Something, maybe nerves, is holding her back.

Instead she grips the front of Kate’s shirt and yanks her up to meet Rana’s mouth in a burning kiss. ‘You have no idea what you do to me,’ she says quietly, before going back for more.   

This kiss is different to the others they’ve shared today. It reminds Rana of the kisses they shared in the van, at least in terms of urgency and desperation. Back then it was definitely about trying to absorb as much of Kate as she could, commit as much of her body and the sounds she makes to memory as was possible. It's still about that now but also about returning to those memories - seeing if she can draw out the same reactions as last time, or stumble upon something entirely new. Despite the fact they've seen each other half naked in the van, they haven't gotten quite that far since. Today, though? Today feels different. She's not sure why - maybe it’s the way Kate keeps shifting underneath her in a highly distracting manner - but Rana feels antsy. She can't keep herself still, and she can’t keep her touch from wandering.

When her fingers skitter bravely over Kate's navel and skim the underside of her breast through her shirt, Kate makes an amused noise in the back of her throat.

‘Getting handsy, there,’ she murmurs.

‘Sorry. Was that not okay?’ asks Rana, suddenly anxious. She almost moves away until Kate clamps down on top of her hand, pushing it back. Higher, even; the tips of her fingers are brushing dangerous territory.   

‘Oi. I didn’t say stop.’

Rana rolls her eyes. ‘Never hurts to check, does it?’

Kate chuckles affectionately, and again the atmosphere changes. ‘You know I'm joking right? You don’t have to if you don’t want to.’

‘I'm fine. What do _you_ want?’ she shoots back. Expressing what she desires right now could take the whole day.

Kate shrugs. ‘I want you to touch me. However much you’re comfortable with,’ she says honestly, as though it’s the easiest thing to admit. However Rana can see a flush creeping up her neck, and her throat bobbing in a worried swallow. Rana loses her train of thought watching that movement as a sudden urge to mark Kate floods through her. She wants to send her out of here with physical proof that she belongs to Rana. She won't, obviously. That’d be pretty tactless considering she’s wearing someone else’s ring right now. But she spends a few longing moments imagining months down the line when she'll get to do exactly that without any hesitation.

‘Rana?’

Rana shakes herself out of her fantasy, slightly disoriented by its intensity. ‘Me too. Definitely.’

She kisses Kate again. Clumsier and sloppier, this time, because her mind is occupied elsewhere. She finds the hem of Kate’s henley and curls her fingers around the bottom. The muscles of Kate's stomach jump in response to nails skimming over it, on their way to tug the material up her body.

Removing it entirely would be better, but there’s still caution in their movements. So it simply ends up bunched up above her breasts. Kate’s already practically spilling out of her bra - probably specially picked for today, there’s no way that cleavage is accidental - but she still bites her lip and hesitates. ‘Is this okay?’ she asks worriedly. Worried she’ll do it wrong, or hurt Kate, or do something she doesn’t like.

There's no humour in Kate's expression now.  Her eyes are wide and she's chewing her bottom lip restlessly. ‘Yes. Don’t stop,’ she says. Her pleading tone melts Rana, turning her liquid in more ways than one.

Last time in the van it was Kate who had her hands on Rana's chest. Now she has the chance to repay the favour. It takes little effort to remember exactly what Kate did to her back then and repeat every motion in kind. Just as she did back then, she watches each flickering expression on Kate's face with rapt attention as she sends unsure thumbs across each nipple.

Catching sight of Rana's expression, Kate groans and squirms. ‘God, you have to stop looking at me like that.’

‘Like what?’

‘You _know_ what.’

Rana smirks, and in a sudden flush of boldness, reaches up to not-so-gently pinch Kate through the fabric of her bra. ‘Nope. I don't have a clue.’

A full body shudder travels all the way through Kate, cresting where Rana’s skillful fingers are kneading her gently. Kate puts her hands over her eyes. ‘Fuck. I was asking for this, wasn't I?’

‘Yep. You were.’

Rana leans in, giving into her fantasies a bit by dragging her teeth down the inviting column of Kate's neck. Not trying to bruise, but certainly hoping a memory of this moment floods through Kate’s mind whenever she touches her neck. She relishes how the other woman bucks beneath her, providing just enough friction to keep Rana from going insane, but without satisfying her at all. It's just as well there are so many layers between them, because otherwise it'd be insanely obvious just how excited Rana was getting.

Judging by the way Kate is writhing beneath her, she's starting to lose it too. Particularly when Rana drags down the strap of her bra on one side and mouths at her chest, covering the small patch of freckles there. Her tongue finds Kate’s nipple and they both gasp in unison as Kate’s hand snakes into her hair and grips it, _hard_.

It’s at this point that her leg slips between Kate’s. Accidentally. Honest. She just lost her balance and it was a necessary evil to stop herself falling off the sofa or onto Kate’s face, which would have _really_ ruined the moment. What isn’t accidental, however, is the way Rana presses her knee firmly into the apex of Kate’s legs and grinds purposefully. They've been here too, in the van. Kate made her stop then, and Rana is glad she did. However, there’s no sign of Kate wanting to stop her now and maybe she _should,_  but…

But something in her can’t seem to get enough of winding Kate up. It’s too addictive watching her react to Rana’s touch. Kate’s hand stills in her hair, and she moans out loud, eyelashes fluttering.

Too loud. Too much. Too _good_. Her eyes open suddenly; her breath is coming in panting gasps and her pupils are completely blown.

‘Rana,’ Kate says in a broken voice, ‘I’m -’

It takes too long for her voice to reach Rana’s foggy brain and for her to register Kate tensing beneath her. By the time she realises exactly what’s happening, and that perhaps making Kate come for the first time on Robert and Michelle’s sofa is a less than great idea, it’s too late. In Rana’s defence, it _is_ her first time with a woman, and she wasn’t the one who started all this. Still, all too soon a tell-tale shudder is travelling through Kate’s body, followed by a ragged moan that starts low and deep in her chest before ending in a slight squeak.

Silence, where Rana detaches herself from Kate’s breasts and sits up.

They both stare at each other in confusion.

‘Um,’ says Kate.

More silence.

‘...Did you just?’

Kate’s still catching her breath, looking as surprised by the whole incident as Rana is.

‘Um... Kind of. Yes?’

Rana stares at her, at a loss for what to do, or say.

‘Oops?’

Kate gazes at her for a second and then she bursts out laughing. Rana is alarmed to see there are tears beading at the corner of her eyes, but she’s still smiling, so she assumes she’s fine. Or maybe just hysterical. Orgasms will do that to you. ‘“Oops”? Did you really just say that?’

‘Well, it’s not like I was expecting _that_ to happen!’ Rana protests. ‘It was all over so quickly.’

Kate’s jaw drops, and she blushes violently. ‘You did not just imply I’m a minute man. Or woman.’

‘I hardly touched you, Kate,’ Rana points out with an amused smirk, starting to see the funny side now she’s processed what’s happened and knows Kate isn’t upset with her.

‘Shut up.’

‘I didn’t realise you were that tightly wound.’

‘ _Stop_. It’s been a while, okay? And you’re... you. Honestly, it’s a wonder this is the first time.’

‘Aw,’ Rana coos, giving Kate a peck. ‘That’s kind of sweet. In a perverted sort of way.’

‘Not making me feel any less humiliated by it, babe.’ Kate struggles into a sitting position, the better to glare at Rana. She stills herself with her hands on Rana’s hips, and looks down between them, suddenly shy. ‘Did you … want me to…?’ she trails off, as Rana’s already shaking her head.

‘No,’ she says, even as her body protests this very loudly. ‘I didn’t expect to get this far today.  I think that’s enough for one day. Plus, I don’t think we have much time now anyway.’

Kate’s eyes widen, and she looks incredibly guilty. ‘Oh God, I’m sorry. I didn’t push you too far, did I?’

‘What? No, I was the one that escalated,’ Rana reassures her quickly, already seeing that Kate is panicking in her head that she’s scared her off. ‘I’m glad I did, even if it ended a bit... suddenly.’ She bites the inside of her cheek to stop herself from laughing at Kate’s embarrassed scowl, especially when she mumbles, ‘Can you get off me? I need to go uh, clean up.’

Rana moves off her to stand up, and helps Kate to her feet, too; good thing too, because the girl seems to be struggling to stand on her own legs without help. She watches Kate head off to the toilet on wobbly legs, smiling briefly. Then she sets to re-adjusting the throw on the sofa so it’s not extremely obvious to Robert and Michelle they’ve been… busy. That done, she retreats to the kitchen and leans against the counter, trying to calm herself down and settle her heartbeat.

She wasn’t lying to Kate - she was definitely more than alright with where they ended up. But it’s still a lot to take in. There’s still the lingering guilt since of course there’s still _Zee_ and she can’t help but feel like she’s betrayed both of them even more by letting things get this far. On top of that, she’s definitely gonna have the image of Kate arching her back in ecstasy burned into her brain for the next however long. It’s going to make it super hard to concentrate on patients when she’s pulling overtime over the next few days. So yes, she’s a little thrown, but not necessarily in a negative way.

A few minutes later Kate emerges from the toilet, looking marginally more put together than before, and seemingly able to stay upright for more than a minute. She hovers hesitantly at the doorway for a moment, as though unsure whether it’s okay to approach Rana. Strange considering what they’ve just done, but Rana smiles and beckons her over with a finger.

At that point she bounds over to Rana and immediately pulls her into her arms, nuzzling into her neck. Rana giggles a bit at the ticklish contact. She lays her head back down on Kate’s shoulder, letting out a long sigh. ‘You alright?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Are you sure?’ When Rana lets out another sigh, Kate tenses beneath her, ‘Look, I really am sorry if it was too much for you. I should have stopped us earlier.’

 So that’s what all the hesitance is about. ‘Kate, listen to me,’ she says firmly, taking her face between her hands. ‘I don’t regret it. At all.’

 ‘But?’ asks Kate anxiously.

 ‘No buts. Besides this magnificent one,’ she says, swatting Kate on the backside and smiling when she does, too. ‘I am a little overwhelmed by how new everything is, and I think we should probably draw a boundary here until everything’s sorted with Zee... But I’m overwhelmed in a good way. Do you know what I mean?’

‘I get it.’ Kate does seem like she understands, but Rana can tell she’s still beating herself up a bit for some reason. So she pulls Kate closer, and they simply hold each other for a little a while. It’s a far cry from the frantic energy of the minutes previous. Kate's heartbeat is audible where her ear is pressed against her, beating just a little faster than normal because of her proximity but still steady, still safe. It feels good to just exist in this moment, with nothing to do besides loving each other.

Strange as it is to say, Rana also had to get used to hugs being different, alongside what she expected to be new (like kisses and well, sex). Kate’s softer for one thing, and they’re of a similar height so there isn’t as much stretching up or down on either side. Their bodies fit together in a different sort of way to Zeedan. Not better or worse - although of course she can't help but compare them sometimes. She wishes she wouldn't because her relationship with Kate doesn't invalidate what she had with Zeedan for a while.

Even so, she does know she's never felt like this before. She’s never felt like this in anyone else's arms. She’s never wanted someone like this. As new and terrifying as intimacy with Kate is, she’s never felt as safe at the same time.

So she says it. In the end it just falls out of her mouth; maybe a by-product of all the excitement of their lunch break together, or the acknowledgement of how amazing it feels being curled against Kate in this way.

In the end it’s not about finding the perfect moment to say it, but reaching a point where she literally can’t stop herself.

‘I love you.’

When Kate goes still, she tenses too, wondering if she said something wrong. Kate steps back slightly, so she can look at Rana with a look of confusion. ‘Did you just say...?’

Panicking suddenly, she tries to play it off teasing and casual, to disguise her pounding heart. ‘Did I say what?’

It’s the wrong thing to do; Kate’s brow creases a bit. She’s too fragile for this, can’t even joke about it. ‘Please don’t play games with me, Rana,’ she whispers. ‘Did you just say you loved me?’

‘I...’ She swallows, wrings her hands a bit, but eventually looks up at Kate resolutely. ‘Yes. I love you, Kate.’

Kate blinks, rapidly. Her eyes are starting to fill, bottom lip trembling.

‘Are you crying?’ says Rana, because Kate _is_ , and it’s so fucking cute that her heart feels like it’s doubling in size. ‘Oh, no. No, don’t - if you cry I am definitely going to break down.’

‘I’m _not_ crying,’ Kate grumbles.

Except she definitely is. There are fat tears rolling down her cheeks that are getting lost in her collar and on Rana’s uniform as Kate stumbles forward into her arms. She clings to Rana, as though scared she might disappear at any moment and her arms are the only thing that will stop it. It takes a few minutes for her to acknowledge that she's crying, but soon Kate is sobbing out her fears into Rana’s shirt about how she was so scared she’d never hear it back, terrified she didn’t feel it too, but now she has and she’s so relieved -

Rana holds her throughout the whole ordeal, whispering the words over and over into her ear: trying to erase any moment of Kate’s life where she could ever think Rana didn’t feel the same way. She might well be crying too. She can't really tell, as their faces are pressed closely together that she can scarcely tell where she ends and Kate begins.

They stand there, holding each other - loving each other. They don’t let go until they’re both absurdly late in getting back from their lunch breaks.

It’s worth getting an earful from their respective employers.

It’s all worth it.


	8. Dec 31st - Rana's New Year

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year lads! Hope it was a good one for y'all and you're ready for the drama coming... 
> 
> Prompt from waverlys-shotgun. I mention their first meeting here but don’t go into a huge amount of detail - might save that for another fic or another chapter :)

 

The atmosphere in the house is tense. Or perhaps that’s just Rana. It’s always tense around Zeedan these days, since she can hardly look him in the eye anymore. He’s starting to pick up on that it seems; in between his frantic searching for properties for the cafe and heading out in the Speed Daal van, sometimes she’ll catch him just gazing at her with a quizzical expression on his face. He never says anything, and she’ll always try to reassure him with a smile - but it’s as fake as the kisses and hugs she gives him, which are starting to become terrifyingly devoid of emotion. Part of her knows she might be mentally distancing herself to reduce the sting when she eventually does leave him. Whether that will actually work, and whether it’ll help her or him, she isn’t sure.

It’s scary to Rana that she could maintain such pretences with someone she truly does love, and that said someone can't even tell. Either she’s a stunningly good actress, or Rana-while-distancing-herself isn’t that dissimilar to her default state. Neither thought is hugely comforting.

Right now, Zeedan has his arm around her. Normally it’d be a comforting weight, or at least a familiar one, but right now it is just that: a weight. She can’t wriggle away without drawing his attention. She’s already made excuses to get up and wander around the living room or into the kitchen several times already. As it gets closer to midnight he’s demanded she stop walking around and fussing, and just enjoy the build up to the new year. She can only offer to make drinks so many times before it looks suspicious.

Balanced carefully on the sofa’s arm - away from Zeedan’s gaze - is Rana’s phone, which has been rather silent tonight… Or rather, it’s been blowing up with texts from family and friends wishing her a well in the new year, but every time she checks she’s disappointed to find that it isn’t Kate. 

To be fair, she understands: they’ve been having an unexpected break over the last few days while Kate’s been busy with her own family. Zeedan hasn’t been too happy about her extended absences, but being at home with him while Kate is busy would have just been too much to deal with. Selfish as it is, she doesn’t feel like she can manage his constant chatter about the cafe and their future together without snapping at him. And she can’t manage being at home alone without thinking about the Connor family. She feels an odd sense of wistfulness about joining them over the holidays, which is new… But also a sense of terror about losing her own family between now and next year, which is not.

Best to just keep out of his way entirely while she sorts herself out, she figures.

It hits midnight without much fanfare, mostly because Rana can only manage a few monosyllabic responses to every attempt Zeedan makes at conversation. She has one eye on her phone but still no texts from the one she wants to hear from. 2018 has officially arrived, fireworks are exploding on TV. And she is sitting next to a man she loves deeply, but is no longer in love with, unable to carry a conversation because she’s scared at any moment the words, ‘I’m leaving you,’ will fall out of her mouth.

‘I’m... just going to the loo,’ she murmurs to Zee, seeing his forehead furrow in her peripheral vision. She doesn’t make eye contact. He’s worried about her, she knows, and she can’t blame him one bit. But he lets her go without further comment and she trudges upstairs. Pushing the lock into place behind her in the toilet makes her sigh in relief because she’s finally alone, but it also makes her feel incredibly lonely, knowing she’s shut Zee out once again.

Rana splashes water on her face, like that’ll somehow wash away her sins. Maybe she can clean away her skin, her personality, and her mistakes, and emerge as someone that deserves to be loved by Kate… or Zeedan. Maybe then she’ll have the courage to leave and not hurt herself in favour of sparing others pain. Maybe then she’ll be able to hold her girlfriend’s hand in public without having to look round every corner, without fear.

When she looks in the mirror though, it’s still just her looking back. Same old Rana. A liar. A cheat. And a coward.

She  _ can’t  _ go on this way. If there were something wrong with Zee perhaps she could justify her treatment of him, but every smile, every earnest touch he shares with her makes her wonder whether she truly is a bad person. Zeedan is one of the nicest men she’s ever known, and he’s always treated her with the utmost kindness even if they had a rather rocky start. It almost doesn’t matter that Kate has shown her so much love and support the last few weeks as well, because how could she do this to  _ him _ ? 

But how could she do it to Kate, as well? Kate with her goofy smile and the wrinkles at the edges of her eyes whenever she looks at Rana; Kate with her drama-filled family, which has never once batted an eyelid at Kate being gay. Kate, who makes her feel things she thought only existed for other people: desire so strong her entire body feels like it’s being ripped apart, and guilt that makes her feel the same. She may have chased and married Zeedan, but for all his kindness, he can’t compete, and he’s never been able to.

Admitting that to herself took some work, because she’s wanted to forget that first meeting with Kate ever since it happened. Especially because Alya was the one who introduced Rana to Kate  _ and  _ Zee. It’s crazy to think how much impact she's had on Rana’s life without even being aware of it, and even more crazy to realise that she may never talk to Rana again once she finds out about the affair.

When she met Zee, she knew what she was getting into; it was a familiar dynamic even if she wasn’t used to someone calling her out the way Zeedan did. With Kate, on the other hand, there’s always been something different about their relationship. Seeing Kate with Imogen was definitely the first time she was fully cognizant of her developing feelings _ ,  _ but in terms of attraction...  She hates to admit it, but that has always been there, just waiting for her to acknowledge it. It’s taken her this long to be able to look back on that day with more than a cringe or immediately having to text Zeedan to put the thoughts out of her mind.

It was unseasonably warm on the day they first met, she remembers. Alya had invited the two of them to take advantage of the weather in a beer garden in town; Rana, always game for meeting new people, had agreed. She’d thought Kate was nice enough, and hilarious to boot, but she’d found herself raising an eyebrow at how quickly she’d dropped the fact she was gay into the conversation. To her shame, Rana remembers wondering why gay people always had to bring up their sexuality in every conversation, although she would have rather died than voice that aloud. Pretty ironic for her now, and she cringes to think of it these days - but habitual internalised homophobia dies hard. She’s hardly even out of the woods now, despite dating a woman for the past month or so. 

They’ve spoken about that meeting since, with Kate providing commentary from her side of the table. She knows now that bringing up her sexuality was Kate’s way of sussing out  _ Rana’s  _ sexuality, because she’d been wondering whether Alya had been trying to set her up with Rana.  It explained a lot about the intense amount of eye contact they’d shared that day, which Rana had found vaguely uncomfortable.

Kate had noted that nothing Rana said suggested she was into women, including Alya’s pointed references to Rana’s previous man-eating days back in uni. Even so, she couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something more to Rana than met the eye. Especially because Rana couldn’t seem to stop looking at Kate, either. 

In fairness, it wasn’t Rana’s fault. Kate had certainly been dressed appropriately for the warm weather. Nothing too special, just a vest top that sadly has been lost to the washing machine about six months ago. She maintains that Rana wasn’t checking her out, because she wasn’t, she was just...

Taking Kate in.

And okay, maybe her gaze might have been quite low for a purely platonic conversation. Not cleavage low (that would have been obvious even for a heavily-closeted-Rana) but - well, Kate’s arms were on full display. Maybe it was just the heat of the room messing with her head - or Rana’s slightly nerdy, purely academic interest in the human body - but she’d found herself fascinated by watching the muscles in Kate’s arms moving whenever she did, or whenever she gestured energetically to underline a point. Or seeing her forearm flex whenever she picked up her drink, fingers wrapping fully around the neck of the beer bottle.

And then she’d found herself watching the descent of a single drop of condensation winding its way down Kate’s wrist... And how Kate caught it with the tip of her tongue before it could complete its trail down her arm...

And okay, maybe she’d licked her lips,  _ just a little.  _ But it wasn’t related to Kate, or so she’d thought at the time. She was just thirsty, that’s all.

Even so, she’d felt Kate’s eyes on her and looked up. She’d managed to stop herself from widening her eyes, and hid her blush behind a cool smile and a sip of her drink, but she couldn’t help but feel like she’d been caught doing something she shouldn’t. After that, she’d kept her eyes on Kate’s face, and put all thoughts of any other part of Kate’s body firmly out of her mind.

‘I knew it,’ Kate had cheered when Rana revealed this lurid secret to her. ‘I  _ knew  _ you were checking me out. God, I thought I was going mental.’

‘I suppose that’s why you started flashing your biceps at the table, complaining about how much muscle you’d lost and about how you needed to get back into the gym, stat,’ Rana retorted, narrowing her eyes.

‘That is a perfectly reasonable topic of conversation,’ Kate defended. ‘And anyway, I’m sure  _ you  _ were being super hetero when you offered to be my gym buddy after that.’

Rana had been, actually, or at least she’d thought so at the time. Rana laughs now remembering how she was originally convinced her interest in Kate's body was purely from aesthetic envy. Being quite slight herself she's always been a little jealous of women like her who are able to put on muscle with relative ease. A few times in their early friendship she’d accompanied Kate to the gym, but it didn’t last long. At the time she'd put that down to insecurity too. But now she knows it was because she kept getting too distracted watching the sweat travelling down Kate’s back. After losing her footing on the treadmills for the third time she’d just stopped going. 

Looking back it’s no coincidence that not longer after their first meeting, Rana had thrown herself into her relationship with Zeedan. This sufficiently distracted her from Kate and she was able to put their initial confusing meeting out of her brain. Until Imogen, of course.

‘When I figured out you were after Zeedan,’ Kate had told her, ‘I kind of shut that part of me down. I was still attracted to you, not going to lie, but you know how it is with straight girls.’

Rana had raised her eyebrow. ‘I don’t know, actually.’

The fact that they were both clearly attracted to each other from the get go, but ignored it after Zeedan entered Rana’s life makes Rana wonder. If Rana had been more in tune with her feelings and been able to express her attraction to Kate from the start, would they be in a relationship by now? And if that were the case, would she still have her friendship with Alya, and Zeedan? They’ve never been anything but supportive of Kate’s relationships, so there’s no reason to think they’d have treated Rana differently. Her family still would have reacted the same, of course, but it would have been so much easier to deal with if she had her friends, too. It’s only because she’s betraying Zee that she’s in this position. And if she’s not careful she risks losing Kate, too. 

It hurts her heart to think of now. All the lives she’s ruined and going to ruin, just because she wasn’t able to be honest with herself from the start and acknowledge her attraction to Kate.

Maybe she doesn’t deserve to be happy.

Her phone buzzes in her pocket. Without even looking, she somehow  _ knows  _ that it’s Kate, and she scrambles to pull it out, almost dropping it in her haste to open it. The text is short and simple, but that doesn’t belie the clear affection behind it.

_ Wish I was with you x _

She smiles, laughs a bit, then promptly bursts into tears. 

And once she starts, she finds it difficult to stop. Every emotion she’s suppressed comes flooding out of her. She cries for Zee, who may never understand what’s happened to her, and will probably never speak to her again after this. Even if he does things will never be the same between them. She cries for all the plans they’ve made together that are never going to come to fruition, and the entire life she thought she was going to have with him that she’ll lose. She cries for Kate, who’s been nothing but supportive, even though it's impossible not to notice the hurt in the girl’s eyes whenever she sees Rana with Zeedan. 

She cries for her parents too. She’s not just scared of losing them, though, but for the reason why: having to acknowledge that she’s in love with a woman, and in their eyes, that makes her a lesser human being. All the awful things she’s thought about Kate in the past (and hated herself for thinking) will suddenly apply to her.  Internalised homophobia dies hard.

She cries for herself, too, most of all, but beneath all that she can feel a strong sense of anger settling in. She is so fucking tired of having to push everything she wants away out of fear. If she hadn’t been so terrified before maybe she wouldn’t be sitting here now, alone in a bathroom crying her eyes out in the first few minutes of the new year. 

She's a pathetic shell of who she used to be. She can’t live this way any longer. Kate or no Kate, things have to change sooner or later or she’s going to lose her mind.

A soft knock at the door breaks her thoughts. She knows it's Zee, and it’s sweet he’s coming to check on her but words can't express how much she wishes that it was Kate on the other side of that door. She’d be all concerned, probably wipe away her tears with her thumb and then make some little joke to get her to smile. But of course, it’s not going to be her there. 

She heads to the door anyway, bracing herself for her husband’s reaction since she cannot hide that she's been crying. She’s still halfway sobbing when she opens it.

Predictably, Zee sucks in a breath at her tear stained face. ‘I  _ knew  _ something was off with you,’ he says, immediately moving into the bathroom and wrapping his arms around her. ‘You been crying?’

Obviously she has, but she bites back that unnecessary comment. He’s just being nice. ‘A bit. I’m sorry,’ she says weakly.  She tries to derive some sort of comfort from his embrace, leaning her head on his shoulder, but the actions are mechanical and forced. If anything she feels worse ‘I know I'm ruining our night a bit.’

‘No, don't be silly. You can't help it.’ He pulls back, checking her temperature with the back of his hand like she's not the trained nurse in this relationship. ‘What do you think it is?’ 

‘I honestly don't know. I've been feeling under the weather the last few days... It's probably just the amount I'm working at the moment, and I've tired myself out.’ She forces a smile for him, showing her teeth. 

‘Maybe.’ Zee is squinting at her suspiciously. ‘Rana, I’m not gonna lie, I’ve been worried about you lately. I’m just wondering, do you think...’ Her own puzzled expression disguises her hammering heart; she expects him to ask outright if she’s seeing Kate, even though he’s shown no awareness of their relationship. But as she waits anxiously, he shakes his head. ‘Never mind. Do you want to just head to bed? I can bring you up a cuppa or something.’ 

She nods, thanking him with a brief kiss on the cheek as she leaves the room. Pausing in the threshold to their bedroom, she hears Zee walk downstairs and start fussing with the kitchen, and has to close her eyes to stop the tears from coming all over again. 

She must be the most heartless person in the world to still be thinking of her other lover while Zee potters around getting her drinks and looking after her. 

Even so, she can’t help herself. She pulls out her phone and texts Kate, with hands that are shaking so hard she can hardly type.

_ I wish you were too. This time next year we’ll be together... I promise. _  
  



	9. Jan 3rd - Robert walks in

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well obviously I had to write something because they SKIPPED OVER THE CONFRONTATION WITH ROBERT. After hyping it up and making it seem like their reactions were going to be important… pfft.

Michelle and Robert's flat is starting to become a more familiar sight than Kate's own flat these days, she thinks. Not that she's been able to spend much time here over Christmas with Rana working and Kate seeing her family, but even so it's started to become a bit of a home away from home for the two of them. She knows she shouldn't get too attached, as eventually Robert will catch on, Michelle's generosity will run out, or - even better - Rana will come out and they won't have to sneak around anymore. For now though, she's happy to get away from the hubbub and just enjoy the quiet moments of their relationship.

Alone at last, Rana wastes no time putting herself into Kate's arms and they enjoy their first real hug of the new year, savouring every moment. To her relief nothing has changed for them even though their time together has been sparse for a week or two. Rana still feels the same way it seems, judging by how tight her embrace is and the way she still discreetly nuzzles into Kate's neck when they embrace. It's painfully cute and Kate can't think how she survived being apart from Rana for the last few days.

‘I missed you,’ Rana breathes into her ear; not seductive but an exhale of relief about being back in each other's arms. Kate never thought she'd be the sort of person that needed to physically felt pain on separation from her girlfriend. But then, she never thought she'd be having an affair with Rana either. 

She skillfully puts that thought out of her brain, as she's been doing for a little while now, and focuses on Rana. ‘Missed you too. Been hell without you.’

Rana pulls back, and the look in her eye is plainly obvious. As she's gotten more comfortable with the physical side of things, Kate's been able to read desire on her face more easily. Mostly because Rana is finally learning that her desire for Kate is okay to feel, show and act on. It's been pretty heartwarming for Kate to feel like she's helping Rana get in touch with a side of herself she's neglected.

In any case, her head is already angling left in preparation for Rana's lips crashing on hers a moment later. She is not disappointed. 

Even as her brain is busy, Kate does note something unusual about this kiss. There's heat in it, for sure (she can't miss the little moan of something like ‘finally’ that Rana lets out) but… There's an odd amount of hesitancy too. It's as though they're checking everything is just as they left it the other day. Neither wants to step over boundaries in case they've changed, because they may well have in the intervening days since their last meet up. There's an odd awareness that the time apart has changed  _ something _ , but neither knows what. 

But it doesn't take long for them to find that whatever it is that has changed, it's not their feelings for each other. The kiss rapidly grows even fiercer; Rana's hands take their usual spot  on the small of her back while Kate cradles Rana's face in her hands. As always she relishes how her fingers seem to span most of the width of Rana's face, meaning she can feel so much with minimal effort. 

Kate finds herself mindlessly pushing Rana back against the surface of the door. From there it's almost instinctual to reach down, and lift Rana up by her thighs. Rana squeaks a bit as her feet leave the ground, but she too responds instinctively by wrapping them around Kate's waist. The wreath hanging on the back clings on desperately for dear life but eventually falls to the ground with a faint 'thud'.

After the other day in the flat Rana seems to have gotten a little more comfortable with being physically close to Kate, but this is still pretty new. She says as much out loud with a slightly quizzical expression, her hands nervously settling on Kate's shoulders. 

Kate can't help but feel extremely pleased with herself. ‘Considering how long it’s been since I was at the gym, that worked out a  _ lot _ better than I thought it would.’

‘Not exactly what a girl wants to hear when she’s putting her life in your hands.’ Rana leans down to kiss her, and Kate returns it in kind. It's slower this time… Perhaps because Rana doesn't want Kate to drop her, but also because this is more about just enjoying their time with each other. Not that she didn't enjoy the other day when things had gotten quite... heated (even if Kate cringes to think of how it ended), but it's nice feeling like there's no obligation. 

Kate rests their foreheads together and gently rubs her nose against Rana’s. ‘I really did miss ya,’ she says softly. 

‘You literally just told me that,’ Rana teases her, pushing Kate’s hair back out of her face. ‘Didn’t you dump Imogen because she was getting clingy?’

‘I’m  _ not  _ clingy,’ Kate huffs. Rana makes an indecisive noise, tilting her hand back and forth. ‘Don't make me drop you.’

‘You wouldn't,’ says Rana in horror, suddenly gripping Kate's coat with both fists as though that'll do anything to stop her.

‘And why's that?’ says Kate, grinning. 

‘Because if I break anything then you'll have a right job explaining how it happened to everyone.’

‘Good point. Right, I’m putting you down then. My arms are starting to ache.’

‘Oh, that’s  _ definitely  _ not what a girl wants to hear.’ She detaches her legs from Kate’s waist and lowers herself to the ground carefully, almost treading on the wreath that had fallen earlier. She replaces it guiltily, straightening some of the bent needles. As she turns around, Kate grasps her wrist and pulls her in for a peck, distantly laughing at herself because this is definitely clingy behaviour. 

‘I love you,’ says Rana, smiling. 

Kate tries to hide her huge smile at hearing that (look, it's nice to hear it okay?) by casually saying it back over her shoulder. She's pretty sure Rana saw, anyway. Oh well. She's by the sofa now, taking her jacket off and laying it down on the arm. ‘Did you have a good new year’s?’ she asks. When she doesn't get a response she raises her head to see Rana looking her up and down. ‘What?’ she says, smoothing down the front of the shirt self consciously.

‘I meant to say earlier when I saw you in the Bistro - nice top. Is it new?’

‘This?’ Kate shrugs. ‘Yeah. Bought it in the Boxing Day sales.’

‘... Were the arm holes intentional?’

‘What?’

‘Never mind. Also, to answer your question, it was bloody awful,’ Rana admits. She lets Kate take her hand and sit her down on the sofa, where they immediately start intertwining any available body part - fingers linked with fingers, Rana’s legs tucked up onto Kate’s lap. 

Kate frowns, rubbing her ankle sympathetically. ‘Really? How come?’

‘You weren’t there, for a start.’

‘Oh, yeah,  _ I’m  _ the clingy one.’ Rana gives her a shove, while Kate giggles mischievously.‘And Zee was just... Zee.’ She sighs heavily.

‘Has he said something?’ 

‘No. The opposite. He's been really lovely which just makes everything ten times worse.’ They both sigh in unison, as Kate has frequently faced the same problem. ‘He found me crying in the loos after I got your text on New Year's. It's a wonder he hasn't put two and two together yet, considering.’

‘That was meant to be a happy text, not a sad one,’ says Kate, looking upset by the idea of Rana crying. 

‘It was,’ Rana reassures her, with a quick pat for good measure. ‘But... It’s all starting to get very real, you know? I need to start properly planning how I’m going to leave him, Kate. And soon.’

‘Really?’ Kate shrugs slightly. ‘Well, if that’s what you want.’

Rana frowns, and Kate knows why before she even says a word. ‘... Not gonna lie, I thought you’d have a bit more of a reaction than that.’

‘Well, not to be harsh but we’ve been here a few times - where you said you would tell him but something has come up to make it difficult,’ Kate reminds her. When Rana opens her mouth, looking a bit peeved, she hastens to add, ‘I’m not trying to have a go, I swear. Being honest with you, I don’t  _ love  _ the situation we’re in, but… For now it seems like you’re more comfortable if I don’t put extra pressure on you. You’re getting that enough from all sides. So - if you wanna tell him, I’ll be right there with you. If not, well, I can wait a tiny bit longer.’

It seems to sting Rana a bit - being reminded of her inability to take action - but Kate honestly isn’t trying to hurt her. It’s just the reality of the situation, and she can’t pretend it isn’t hurting other people. ‘That makes sense, I suppose. Thanks.’

Kate reaches out, gently rubbing her thumb over Rana’s bottom lip. ‘We can have a chat about it now if you want? Have a think through the logistics?’

‘Maybe in a bit,’ says Rana, sliding her hand into Kate’s hair. There's that look again. ‘First... you and I need to have a bit more of a catch up.’ 

* * *

When Robert catches them not fifteen minutes later, he sets down his keys on the table nearby and turns to face them. His face is impassive but they can see the anger behind those features, and the way he's glaring at them - still halfway through putting their coats back on. Kate almost feels like a naughty teenager that's been caught sneaking out, only the consequences of sneaking around here are far greater than anything her dad punished her with. 

‘Well  _ this  _ is bloody cosy, isn’t it,’ he says venomously, folding his arms. ‘Fancied a little tea party in my flat, did you? How lovely.’

Robert is not usually known for his empathy or tendency to listen to reason when he's pissed off, Kate knows, but her mind still scrambles for a viable excuse. ‘W-we were just…’ She looks at Rana, who seems just as stuck for words as she is and ready to bolt at any moment. She’s still surreptitiously trying to sort out her shirt which was left in mild disarray from Kate’s hands. Kate wishes she'd just leave it because it makes it even more obvious what they've been doing.

Considering how long they’ve been coming here she should’ve thought of an excuse earlier, but for some reason she trusted Michelle to realise when her boyfriend had left the restaurant and was coming home. They were honestly lucky to have gotten this far without being caught. ‘Rana and I were just talking -’

‘Oh, save your ridiculous excuses - I don't wanna hear them. You’re hardly playing Scrabble are you?’ he snaps. Kate hangs her head in shame, unable to meet either of their eyes. ‘But I'm wondering what the  _ hell  _ Michelle and my flat have to do with any of...  _ this _ .’

Kate licks her lips anxiously, wrapping her arms around her body. It’s suddenly  _ very  _ cold in the flat and she feels weirdly exposed, although that’s never been a problem before. ‘I... think you're better off asking Michelle that.’

He scoffs. ‘I'm guessing Zeedan doesn't know?’

‘Please don’t tell him... Or anyone else,’ Rana begs, her voice watery and weak. Kate’s heart breaks for her, since it’s probably the third or fourth time she’s been in this exact same situation. This was their last place to be safe together and she felt like she’d just about been able to reassure Rana that they weren’t going to be interrupted, and it was okay to let her guard down. Now she can see those walls going up again, as the fear of being outed against her will grows ever stronger and more likely.

Robert has his jaw squared, glaring at the both of them. ‘Zeedan’s a good guy. I know I fired him, but this… You’re making a mug of him as it is, but getting me and Michelle involved is just not on.’

‘Robert.’ Kate speaks this time, catching his attention with her quiet voice. ‘I know it's a lot to ask, but please don't say owt. We're planning to tell Zeedan the truth really soon, but you have to understand... Rana could lose everything. We hate lying as much as anyone but we gotta handle this delicately.’

‘Oh, and I'm sure you were doing plenty of delicate planning down there on my sofa,’ he replies sarcastically. But then he also takes one look at their terrified, white faces - especially Rana's, who looks like she might throw up at any moment. And he softens.

A little. 

‘Look, I couldn't give a toss about whatever you get up to in your own time, but I don't want my family involved,’ says Robert. ‘I want you out of here, okay? Say... say goodbye or whatever, then lock up and drop the keys to Michelle later. And  _ don’t _ come back.’

Robert slams the door behind him with enough force to make it rattle in the hinges. Kate lets out a breath she's been holding since Robert came in, and turns to Rana. 

She expects to see her crying - it’s a bit of a familiar sight at this point - but instead she’s just staring into space, her eyes vacant and glassy. ‘Rana?’ she says, walking to her side and gently taking her by the shoulders.

Rana’s next words are delivered in an eerie monotone that gives Kate goosebumps. ‘That’s another person that knows. Who’s next? Chesney Brown?’

‘I know, I... I'm sorry.’ Kate vaguely wonders why she's apologising, but she can't help but feel this is her responsibility somehow. ‘There was nothing I could do.’

‘Yeah,’ says Rana, but she doesn't quite sound like she believes it. ‘What are we going to do, Kate? This was the last safe place we had... It was the only place we could be together.’

Kate pulls Rana to her, presses kisses along her hairline and running a soothing hand down her back.  ‘We'll sort it out. We'll find something else, don't worry.’

_ ‘How _ ?’ says Rana, pushing Kate away from her slightly. ‘This  _ was _ your something else!’ 

‘Look, I don’t know, alright?’ Kate snaps, beginning to lose her cool a bit. ‘I don't have all the answers. It's not like I called Robert up here meself.’ 

‘I never said you did.’

‘So why are you getting annoyed with me?’

‘I'm not!’ exclaims Rana, practically stamping her foot. ‘I'm just scared, because we've just been interrupted  _ again _ , we don't know where we're going to go, and we don't even know if Robert's going to keep his mouth shut!’

‘He will!’ 

‘How would you know? For all I know he's marched over and told Zeedan already.’ 

‘I just know, he's not like that, I - ugh!’ Kate runs her hands through her hair and shuts her eyes, trying to take deep breaths. They shouldn't be arguing right now. Not when they need each other more now than ever. When she opens them, she can visibly see Rana trying to get a hold of herself as well. ‘I really don't know anything, Rana,’ she tells her. ‘I can't promise Robert hasn't said anything even though I really doubt he has. I can't promise Zeedan or your friends and family aren't going to hate you after all this. I can't even promise you I can find somewhere else that you can go and feel comfortable like this again. Because the fact is... Nothing about this situation is comfortable, and it never will be.’

It’s a relief when Rana reaches for her, pulling Kate into a hug. ‘I know... I know. I'm sorry, I'm just frustrated. thought we had at least a little more time to discuss things and work them out if we had the flat, but I guess life is trying to force me to face the music.’

Kate hums thoughtfully, swaying Rana slightly in her arms. ‘Maybe we need that talk about logistics sooner rather than later.’

‘... Maybe.’

They hold each other then in Robert and Michelle’s flat, probably for the last time. Kate thinks back to only the other day when they stood like this, after Rana had said she loved her for the first time. Everything had felt so easy then, just joking around with each other and kissing in between their happy tears. She’d wanted she needed to tell Zeedan but there wasn’t this  _ pressure,  _ somehow. It's not just come from Robert walking in on them. Time is running out and sooner or later the truth is going to come out.

She hopes Rana can handle that pressure, because Kate is starting to doubt whether she can.   
  



	10. Jan 5th - the bar scene (part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The bar scene after Rana tries to confess to Zeedan. Rana's POV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This hurt. I'm probably gonna take a break for a bit.

Rana doesn’t say a word on her way to the pub, even with Zeedan, Alya, Yasmeen and her brother chattering excitedly at her heels. They don’t even notice that she’s walking faster than they are and not sticking with the group, hoping to get into the Rovers ahead of them. Kate is obviously going to realise what’s happened when she sees the others - but with any luck she’ll get a second to explain to Kate and apologise, or at least make some time to explain to her properly at a later date.

She feels awful, because Kate’s been  _ so  _ good to her so far; so understanding. She never expected Kate to give her a chance after she got married. She’s going to be bloody disappointed for sure, and she’ll likely have to spend a long time making it up to Kate but… In the end, she just  _ couldn’t do it _ . She was so very nearly there today, but she just bottled it at the last moment because Zeedan picked that moment to start talking about kids and their future together. She’s not made of stone. Who the fuck wants to tell their husband, ‘Sorry, I know you’re happy about the cafe but guess what? That life you’re describing with me isn’t real and will never come true because I’m leaving you. Also, I’ve been desperately in love with your mate for the last few months.’

She really hopes Kate isn’t too upset, because she _ needs  _ Kate’s support right now, even though she doesn’t deserve it. She just needs a tiny bit longer; maybe even tomorrow. When things aren’t so up in the air. When telling Zeedan that she’s leaving him doesn’t also mean crushing one of the last few moments of happiness he might have for a little while. 

Her eyes are still with red with tears when she opens the door to the pub. She and Kate spot each other immediately, and she jumps up to meet Rana, face expectant but not as hopeful as she might have anticipated. This probably should have given Rana some indication of where Kate was at, mentally. But naively she still believed Kate was still on her side and was still willing to give her another chance, even after she’s wasted so many.

She tells her, ‘I couldn’t do it. But I  _ will _ .’ She says it - means it - strongly, despite the slight waver in her voice from all the crying. 

She doesn’t expect the words that come next. Or the icy look that Kate gives her, mouth twisting into a grim facsimile of a smile. 

‘No,’ she says. ‘You won’t.’

She returns to her seat, where she sees Sophie too; a brief flicker of panic runs through her. Does Sophie know, now too? They whisper together for a moment, and she’s about to follow and demand to know what Kate’s talking about, because she can’t mean what Rana thinks she does. She  _ can’t. _ But then Zeedan appears at her elbow, asking about drinks, and she has to put on that fucking fake smile for the millionth time in her life, while she pretends her heart isn’t breaking in two. 

Zeedan doesn’t notice because he’s too busy celebrating. For the first time in her life she genuinely feels anger towards him, maybe even crossing into hatred: for not realising she’s desperately unhappy (even though she’s hidden it), for being so pleased to be with her (when she doesn’t deserve it).

Happy tears, indeed.

She watches Kate walk past, followed by Sophie, and the look she gives Rana sears right through her. And suddenly, she understands. 

Kate thinks Rana has picked Zeedan over her. She thinks Rana doesn’t love her enough to pick her. She can see it in her face. Every feature is set in stone, but there’s deep hurt and betrayal behind her eyes that screams to Rana, despite her supposedly angry expression. She hasn’t seen that since she turned up drunk at Rana’s wedding - and before that, when she thought Rana was being homophobic. Suffice to say, she has learnt to read betrayal in Kate far too well at this point.

It takes a moment for the full implications of the situation that she’s in to dawn on Rana, but when it does, she almost runs after Kate. She almost says  _ fuck it _ , grabs her wrist and kisses her in front of everyone in the pub, in front of Zeedan and Alya and Sophie. She almost screams at Kate that of course she loves her, she’s just a coward; please forgive her for getting complacent and thinking Kate would be there for her indefinitely. 

She almost yells that she wants Kate more than anything, and everything that entails: waking up next to Kate every morning - sitting next to her on the sofa and leaning into her body as they watch Netflix - holding hands with Kate in public, saying she loves her without fear of who’s watching. 

She almost throws her stable, boring,  _ fake _ life into the fire to chase the one real thing that she’s ever had, and might ever have. 

But she doesn’t. She can’t. She can’t do that to Zeedan, because no matter what, he still doesn’t deserve to find out like that. She wants to be selfish (and she already  _ is _ ) but she just can’t so far as to deliberately hurt him.

Even so... The real reason she doesn’t chase Kate is because (for the first time in a while) she believes Kate might push her away.


	11. Jan 5th - the bar scene (part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The bar scene after Rana tries to confess to Zeedan. Kate's POV.

It takes Kate far longer than she’d like to admit to realise that Rana isn’t going to leave Zeedan. But when the realisation hits, it hits her body hard, in stages. First her heart, which sinks a little more every time she looks up at the door and doesn’t see Rana; then her stomach, which squeezes unpleasantly as the seconds tick by; then the rest of her, as an excruciating ache seems to emanate from her very bones and make her fold in on herself.

For a while there was still a little bit of hope. Maybe Rana's packing her bags. Or maybe they're talking things through, and it's taking longer than they anticipated. Maybe Rana got called back to work for some emergency. But the biggest giveaway is that her phone is suspiciously silent. Rana would have given her some sort of status update if things had gone according to plan, or if something had just delayed her. She knows Rana. And she knows Rana hasn't left him.

She thought this day might come. It's always been there, a quiet voice buzzing in the back of Kate's mind: ‘She doesn't really love you. She's never going to leave him, for you. Why would she?’ For a time it was loud, and it helped her keep her distance from Rana. It was easier to just avoid Rana altogether, than fight those insecurities.

But something happened to quieten the voice and make her forget.

She doesn't know what.

Yes she does. It was Rana's face. Taut with anger and despair about her family and everything she might lose. Did she feel sorry for her? Was it just about sympathy? No. It wasn't - she had felt sorry for Rana's situation but mostly her heart had just ached seeing her in pain. She wanted to do anything she could to fix it. That was the moment she lost her defences around Rana; and the other woman had stumbled in, drained Kate of everything she had. And then she'd had the cheek to ask for more.

‘You're sure about this?’ Kate had asked already several times, but she needed to know. Not just to check on Rana’s wellbeing: she wanted Rana to be certain, or at least be honest if she wasn't. Kate could take that, even wait a bit more if needed, but what she couldn't take was building her hopes up and then having them come crashing down.

But Rana seemed so sure, that Kate started to believe, too. She'd started thinking, planning how she'd help Rana with the immediate fall out and where they were going to go. She’d have to call Johnny as soon as she could to make sure they had somewhere to go. Rana could wear her clothes for a bit until she was able to collect her stuff from the house. Rana was going to be devastated but Kate was determined to be there for her.

And she'd thought about all the little things, too. Like making dinner with Rana when she got home from work, getting to hear about her day and seeing her rant about patients. Sleeping in the same bed as Rana, bringing her a cup of tea in the morning and brushing her bedhead out of her eyes. Taking Rana on dates where they could hold hands without worry and anxiety about being interrupted.

Most of all she thought of how happy she'd be if Rana could just… Be herself, finally.

The Rana she'd grown to know and love more intimately than anyone else before her, that appeared when her guard was down and she wasn't forced to dance in place for her parents or her husband. She'd thought about these things before, but always pushed them away because it never felt quite right while Rana was with Zeedan. When Rana had left the flat with promises to leave him, it had finally felt safe to feel every last one of those thoughts and let them take her over. At first they brought a smile to her face. Now however it feels like they’re taunting her, and every image of waking up next to Rana is a distant, hazy mirage; something that was never tangible from the beginning.

‘I love you,’ she can hear Rana saying in her head. She's said it several times since the first time in Michelle and Robert's flat, each time with increasing confidence. Each time looking Kate right in the eyes, as if willing her to believe it, too. She'd said it on her way out of the door, with a lingering kiss and a hand on her shoulder.

She imagines she can still feel Rana's last kiss. A little salty and wet from tears, but it'd been a kiss with promise. A promise that when they next shared a kiss, things would be different. Kate wishes she'd known then that it might be their last, because then she might never have ended it. At least then she'd still have Rana, and she could exist forever in that one blissful moment, where the possibilities were endless.

She should have known. Should have _fucking_ known. The thought makes her let out a frustrated noise that thankfully no one else in the room hears. She's one adrenaline surge away from chucking her glass across the room and sobbing in the corner.

This isn't like her. She's not usually this idiotic. There's gotta be something wrong with her, to have let herself down like this and forgotten all her morals. And all for...

Nothing.

That's what she has now.

And that's what she is. It's like Rana's absorbed her whole personality and spat out this pathetic yes-man who'd grovel at her feet, lie and cheat for the mere hope of a relationship. Who does that? Is her self esteem so low that she would settle for being hidden in the shadows just for a chance at feeling loved? How has she let herself slip like this?

And the worst thing is? She _still_ fucking loves Rana. With every fibre of her being. She still wants every second of her fantasies to come true. She'd give her right hand for Rana to walk in now looking exhausted but resolute, because she's just told Zeedan. That isn't going to happen, but if she isn't careful, she knows when she sees Rana again - face probably wet with tears, begging her for another chance - she might give in.

And she's tired of giving in. It's starting to feel much more like giving up.

Sophie has taken the chair at her side, quiet and seemingly picking up the fact that Kate is a hundred miles away and not up for talking. She likes that about Soph; she's never one to speak just to fill a silence. They've always just been able to hang out in companionable silence, which is what she needs right now.

Sophie is a good friend, solid and dependable. She's nothing like Rana, who is flighty and erratic and impulsive and everything Kate should _hate_ but she doesn't. Because she isn't always like that. When it's just the two of them Rana settles down, and she doesn't have to put on any mask. She laughs and loves freely and when Kate reaches for her she reaches back. But at some point  Kate has to admit that it's all Rana, and that maybe the real mask is the one she puts on with Kate.

When Rana does come in eventually - a whole hour after she said she would - Kate is still numb. Even so, she feels a little of the ice that's been building around her heart chipping away a bit because Rana looks exactly how she thought she would. Eyes red with tears, and a defeated look on her face.

It's all the confirmation she needed, if the words weren't enough: ‘I couldn't do it. But I will.’

Rana is staring at her imploringly, and it takes all her effort to school her features into something hard because _yes_ she wants to give Rana another chance. She wants this to carry on, just a little more time with Rana - to hold and kiss her and hear that she's loved just one more time. To go back to nothing - an empty bed, an empty heart - when for a short time it felt like she had everything… It feels like she's _choosing_ to rip her soul in two.

But she has to. She's been trying to put on a supportive face for Rana for weeks hoping things would get better. She's loved every second of their time together and only ever wanted more, but there is simply no fight left in her anymore. She's exhausted.

‘No. You won't.’

The words imply the rest of Kate's thoughts: You won't leave him.

You won't pick me.

You won't love me, like I love you.

And you never will.

 


	12. Jan 8th - Luke's death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How are we all doing? Short one, but I figure no one really wants to linger in this part of their relationship too long - but I didn't want to just skip it.

Since news of Luke’s death had reached them, Kate had just about managed to keep herself together. The following hour was all a blur of police proceedings, questioning, statements: things she’d have watched idly on television or in a movie, bowl of popcorn in hand and with her eyes glazed over. It was easier to detach when she had Alya to focus on. Reining in her reactions and keeping _Alya_ calm for the police meant she could keep herself calm too- and Kate _had_ to be strong. Because if she broke down, then she was of no use to anyone.

But now, as she’s walking towards the Bistro, every step seems to strip away more of her defences. The hastily constructed walls she put up trying to hold everything back just aren’t enough. She’s not used to _this_ , at all. The tide is starting to sweep her away and drown her before she can even begin to start rebuilding those walls.

Every foot she puts in front of the next takes her closer to where she knows the Nazirs and their family are gathered. Where she is going to have to deliver the news that Luke is…

Is...

She enters the Bistro. She sees Zeedan and his family immediately. Then Rana.

Nothing about her feelings for Rana have changed, so facing her still brings back the same old heady cocktail she’s used to: guilt, attraction, love. And now, sadness. Anger. It still hurts. But it’s dull. Familiar. Heartbreak is easy in comparison to this; that pain grapples with the sharp agony of remembering what the _fuck_ she’s here for.

Even remotely caring about her situation with Rana while Luke is _d_ \- is gone - feels immensely selfish. Alya has lost her boyfriend to racist murderers. And she's here, upset about potentially discontinuing her affair when at least Rana is alive. It could be her in Alya’s position, and if she had been, no one would even understand why Kate would be completely torn apart. Even though she’s just lost Luke, she’s “lucky” in the respect that the person she’s in love with still walks the Earth.

The tiny glimmer of relief she feels from that knowledge gives her triggers waves upon waves of self-hatred.

She _can’t_ do this.

But she has to. She must. Because Alya can’t. And when others can’t, Kate will always step in.

‘I’m sorry,’ she forces out. None of the words she’d hastily planned on the way here come to mind. Her thoughts are painfully blank. Her eyes dart from confused face to confused face, begging anyone to take this responsibility away from her, but none of them know what is going on. ‘I’m sorry… I’m sorry, I can’t… I don’t know if -’ She pauses, briefly, shuts her eyes. ‘It’s _Luke_.’

Momentarily, a flash of panic crosses Rana’s face. Oxygen starved as she is, Kate can’t understand what it means. ‘What’s he done?’

‘Oh, Rana.’

The words hardly pass through her brain for a quality-check before they’re falling from her lips.

‘He’s dead.’

She’s said it. And doing so is what finally sends that final spiralling crack through the wall keeping all those thoughts at bay. Once she’s allowed the thought to settle in her brain once, it will not leave and becomes a ceaseless, cacophonous dirge.

_He’s dead._

The next few minutes are a blur. She's only dimly aware of Zeedan rushing out to be with Alya back in the flat. But she’s _very_ aware of Rana's hands reaching for hers, dragging her back to the office because she “needs a minute”. Her hands in Kate's are safe and familiar, and normally they would be comforting. She's had to hold Rana through many an anxious crisis over the past few months, but there's also been times where Rana held her hand and helped her - like when she hit Robert with the car, and after the Bistro “robbery”. They feel like petty incidents compared to this. Nonetheless, she had needed someone in those moments, and Rana had been there. Right now All she wants is to go to Rana; to give in; to cry into her shoulder for hours; feel the comfort of someone else's arms around her. She wants to feel _Rana’s_ arms around her.

But being alone in the room with Rana is also excruciating for all those reasons, because she cannot handle knowing _Luke is dead_ and the already-present guilt about conducting her affair with Rana at the same time.

So she pushes Rana away. ‘I need to have a clear head,’ she says, which is impossible when Rana is touching her and staring at her with that usual puppy-dog expression. It also doesn’t help that Rana is still looking incredibly beautiful, dressed to the nines for her husband's family. For a moment her brain screams as an agonising image of Rana dressed up to meet Kate’s family barges its way into her thoughts.  

She only has to think of Luke's body (oh fuck - the body is somewhere out there, God knows where); the bullet holes; the burnt car, to put a stop to that. But it’s not like _that_ isn't any less painful. It feels like nowhere in her mind is safe right now - everywhere she turns, thoughts snag at her like barbed wire, trapping and tearing.

And meanwhile, Rana is _jealous over Sophie_. As if she doesn’t understand that there are more important things happening right now - more important than the two of them or their affair. She says she genuinely wants to help, but it’s clear from the guilty flash in her eyes that she has another agenda on her mind. Quite honestly, it sickens her.

And yet despite it all, Kate still finds herself drawn into the safe drama of it all, snapping at Rana - ‘You were the one playing games. I’m telling Zeedan, I’m not telling Zeedan.’ She vents the frustrations she’d kept in her head while necking drinks with Sophie the night before (something that seems to have occurred days ago, not hours ago). ‘I wasn’t pressuring you, pushing you. Not anymore.’

‘No, I know! I know, but -’ Rana’s voice is breathy and high-pitched, as it often does when she’s beginning to drop into mode. Her gestures are equally wild; maybe she’s not as unaffected by this as Kate thinks.‘But Luke _was_! When you came in here just now in bits, and said it was because of Luke, I thought he’d done it, I thought he’d told someone!’

Kate’s face smooths into a stony mask of anger. She says in a low voice, ‘Don’t you _dare_ say you were relieved.’

She sees the betrayal in Rana’s eyes at the idea that she could suggest such a thing. And truth be told, it does melt Kate to see Rana looking at her like that, even if it’d be easier to shove her away and just shout insults in her face.

She’s never been able to keep Rana out, anyway.

So she apologises, meekly. She lets Rana in again, reluctantly. She wishes she could be anywhere but here, having pointless arguments with the woman she loves, about things that don’t matter anymore. Because at least Rana is _alive._ Despite her anger from the night before, those are the worst thought that keep coming back: none of this matters. At least Rana is okay. Who cares if Zeedan finds out?

And that is why she knows she has to leave. Because she knows full well how selfish she would be if she stayed. She’d need Rana too much. She might have been able to be there for Alya this morning, but now she’s weak, and a burden to everyone. She shouldn’t be around people until she can learn some self control and stop hurting other people.

The strangest thing of all, however? Throughout all of this, Kate is aware of a vague desire at the edges of her consciousness; even through her pain she can register how strange it is.

She wants her _mum._

Maybe it’s because that’s the only sort of grief she’s ever known. It's been a while since she thought of her mum outside of anniversaries. She was too young to understand the before and after, so the emotions had crystallized into a manageable sort of wistfulness that would appear once a year. Wondering about hypotheticals and what her mother would think of the choices she’s made. All so abstract.

Luke’s death, however, is all too real and solid. And she doesn’t have to imagine how he would feel about the choices she’s made. He is - _was_ \- a living, breathing person, man, son, colleague, friend, boyfriend. So many things to so many people.

But not anymore.

‘It’s too much. It’s all _too much._ ’


	13. Nov 15th - Kate kisses Rana

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short one, but a gay one. (Like me).

‘Seriously… Don't go.’

‘One minute you're as cold as ice, and then…’

‘ _Please_ ,’ Rana whispers.

Kate has never thought of herself as particularly impulsive person. She's made bad decisions in her life, of course, and she's quick to fly off the handle when she's angry - but when it comes to love or attraction? Nope. Let it go on the record that Kate Connor is in control of her feelings. Truth be told, she's always felt herself superior to people like her brother who couldn't just “keep it in their pants”: how hard is it to _not cheat,_ or to _not kiss the person you're in a relationship with?_ And how hard is it to avoid being the other woman or interfering with someone else's relationship just to satisfy your own selfish needs? It's weak, is what it is, or at the very least evident of a total lack of self control. She sympathises with people who fell in love with the wrong person. But no one is so irresistible, and no feeling is so overwhelming that you can't just do the right thing in the end.

Or at least, that's what she used to think. Now, when she's standing here across from Rana - looking at her imploringly, asking for something that Kate can't identify - things feel different, somehow.

She'll never quite know what it is that made her want to kiss Rana, no matter how many times she asks (or Kate wonders) down the line. Maybe it was the proximity. Or Rana's huge brown eyes looking back at hers. Or that her defences had been weakened over time having to keep away from Rana - pining pathetically while she prepared for a second wedding. It doesn't matter. What matters is that for a split second she forgets all her morals and her superiority to anyone else. And she just becomes… Kate, a woman looking at someone she's reluctantly falling in love with, that she hasn't been able to stop thinking about for weeks. Staring at her lips and weighing up the pros of fucking up someone else's relationship. She's no better than anyone else. In fact she might be much worse, because she ignores all instincts telling her _no_ and crushes Rana's lips to hers anyway.

But as soon as her mouth touches Rana's she knows she's made a _terrible_ mistake. There's no losing herself in this kiss, or the way it makes her feel: the guilt is immediate and already makes her want to scramble away.

What makes it infinitely worse, however, is that she finally _gets_ it. She is now one of those people that can't “keep it in their pants”. She is her brother, and all those other people who she's called selfish and self-serving. And Rana is one of those people too that she's thought of with scorn: the cheater who doesn't care enough about their own partner to end the relationship first.

But ultimately what she sees (and feels, from the way Rana sinks into the kiss and grips at her back) is someone seriously confused about who they are and it's affecting everyone around her. She's not some villain trying to hurt Zeedan deliberately, cackling with glee behind his back; she's in love with someone she shouldn't be. Things aren't as simple as Kate initially thought. And yet at the same time they are, because the fact is they're choosing to hurt Zeedan.

Both of them.

Rana is holding onto Kate desperately, like she's just been waiting for this to happen; Kate can't even back away at first because Rana is holding her too tightly. It takes her several tries to tear her mouth away from Rana's, but eventually she breaks free with a gasp and rushes out into the living room.

Zee is coming down the stairs and she can see his confused expression, obviously able to sense something has happened between them. But does he know it was a kiss? Can he tell from her face?

‘I need to get off, sorry, see ya, bye,’ she mumbles croakily to Zeedan, hardly able to meet his eyes just in case. Rana doesn't try to stop her, and she's glad for that because any longer in that house and she might have ended up confessing to Zeedan on the spot.

The cool air outside is soothing but not enough to calm the rampant flush in her cheeks. It's not just the rush of heat she'd expect from kissing Rana - but guilt too, and shame, because now she's taken her first step into being officially _involved_ in this situation. Up until now she's been doing her best to keep Rana at arm's length, the better to manage her feelings.

Of course that worked fine until she's actually in the same room as Rana. Of course everything was manageable, until she stood _a foot away_ from Rana and had to look into those damn sad eyes. Of course she had morals and standards until she actually fell in love and realised what the hell everyone else was talking about.

She's so, so fucked.


	14. Jan 9th to Jan 28th - Kate in Devon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Debating splitting Possibilities into before/after Devon, what do we all think? This one feels like it's gotten a bit bloated, and tonally stuff feels different post-Devon.

When Kate left for Devon, she'd intended to take the time to get her head straight. She would get over Rana once and for all, or at least put enough distance between them that she could act like a "mature adult". She'd be able to return for the funeral all put together again, be there for Alya, and be able to look Rana in the eye without breaking down. Her last day on the cobbles had been humiliating, to say the least, and frankly she never wanted to be that vulnerable around Rana ever again.

Naturally, life had other plans for Kate. It started with Plan A(lcohol). She knew the fastest (but not the healthiest) way for her to get a handle on this situation was to drink herself into oblivion. However, Carla's flat down in Devon was surprisingly devoid of alcohol, which surprised Kate; she'd been kind of banking on at least a few bottles of wine to get herself through the first week. She'd had to make do on her meagre wages for the month, even though her wallet was already complaining from overuse over the Christmas period. It hadn't gotten her far, especially as she needed to budget for food, too (not that she had much appetite). Kate, therefore, stayed reluctantly sober for most of her stay - and by extension, reluctantly aware of the whole situation. 

Plan B, then. She tried to exercise it away. Running was always her go-to and admittedly she had been looking forward to at least exploring the sights of Devon during an obnoxiously long depression jog. She'd count steps, try to match her pace to music or her breaths. But even that couldn't seem to distract her. Every time her foot struck the ground another image of Rana came to her mind: kissing her, holding her, crying in her arms.  She thought of all the things she had planned to do as well, including forcing Rana to come on runs with her. She'd have hated it, grumbled all the way. And Kate would have teased her about it and hugged her (sweatily, enjoying her protests about it). She'd have kissed her in the middle of the street, not caring who saw. 

The sharp pains Kate had in her chest seemed caused by more than just a lack of oxygen. So she stopped running, too. 

She moved to Plan C, then, simply because she had no other option. _Wallow_. This unfortunately was an extremely successful plan, but only in terms of how well she stuck to it. However, in terms of getting over Rana, or processing what had happened to Luke, it was a complete failure. 

Step one of Plan C was to spend a lot of time on social media. Sometimes it was going through Luke's Facebook page - seeing the happy photos of him and Alya, or cheeky photos or statuses of them all in the flat. She'd stare, trying to imagine how life was going to be without him in it. No one clattering about at six in the morning or leaving their dirty socks in the bathroom. No one to get pissed at her over Rana. No Luke.  

Most horrifying of all was the knowledge that life would and  _ was _ continuing without Luke. She'd been getting on her life. The garage would move on. Kate would move on. Even Alya would, eventually, although it would take a really long time. Eventually she'd wake up without the hollow feeling in her gut and she'd realise she hadn't thought about Luke in days, maybe weeks. 

The idea made her feel incredibly selfish, and on those days she stayed on Luke's page longer, trying desperately to commit his frozen, smiling face to memory. She'd stay until her vision blurred into tears and she'd have to slam the laptop shut, or throw her phone across the room. 

Other days, it was Rana's Facebook or Instagram (and sometimes even Zeedan’s). She watched every new status like a hawk, trying desperately to read between the lines and work out how Rana was doing. Unfortunately for Kate, Rana seemed to have taken a break from her usual endless posting; besides a few tasteful photos at Luke's memorial, she'd been extremely quiet on the social media front. It was probably for the best but it drove Kate mad, not knowing how she felt or what she was doing. Never mind that the whole purpose of her trip here had been to get Rana out of her mind. She couldn't seem to help herself.

As there was nothing new for Kate to obsess over, she turned to old posts. She knew it was bordering on creepy and she did her best to prevent herself during the day. At night though, when loneliness set in she couldn't seem to help herself. Her thumbs flicked through a never ending montage of Rana's relationship with Zeedan, gazing at photos from dates, weddings, days out. A whole history of their time together as husband and wife telegraphed to the world. 

It was nothing compared to the few photos of Rana and Kate (and sometimes Alya) that existed. Most of those were taken way before the affair started anyway; they couldn't really meet in secret and then post pictures together, although she did have a few hidden away in the depths of her gallery. Some nights she'd take those photos and zoom right in on Rana's smile with her drunken, clumsy fingers. She'd then spend hours assessing and comparing whether the smiles Rana had with her were real, compared to the smiles she had with Zeedan.

Was it wider? Did they meet her eyes? Was her hand placed more intimately on Kate's body than Zeedan’s? Was she happier with Kate in the end? 

She still didn't know. 

To be honest, she didn't know anything. Step two was to overanalyse. How Rana felt, how she felt, what she should do next. Part of her felt she'd run too quickly, and should have given Rana the benefit of the doubt; it was only her second try at telling Zeedan. It couldn't have been easy, and to be honest she was glad it hadn't come out since dealing with the drama of the affair alongside Luke's death would have been way too much for her. On those days she wanted to call Rana and beg to take her back; tell her she'd wait, forever if she needed to. 

Another part of her - the quietly wounded part of her, alongside her morals and her slowly eroding confidence - hated that it was hard for Rana to pick at all. She hated that Rana kept dithering between Zeedan and herself so much. She hated that her love wasn't enough, that Rana wasn't strong enough, or didn't feel strongly enough about Kate to fight for their relationship enough. 

And  _ then _ she'd remember Rana's face in the pub when she'd cried and told Kate about how her family would react. She'd think of Rana's near panic attacks when imagining having to come out. 

The guilt about not giving Rana would come back, and she'd be back to square one. 

Step three was to make poor life choices. In her darkest and drunkest days (when she scrounged enough spare cash for a full few bottles), she'd almost called and left voicemails. Had her finger on the button, ready to rant. She hadn’t really thought about what she'd do if Rana picked up, because she suspected she wouldn't. But  _ then  _ she'd remembered the one time she  _ did _ leave a voicemail for Rana, and how she'd just fucking deleted it. Considering how things had been left between them she couldn't guarantee that Rana wouldn't just delete it then. 

And what if Zee found it? As much anger as she felt towards her at the moment, she wouldn't risk it. She still loved and cared about Rana. She wouldn't deliberately put her happiness at risk just for her own gain. 

And that was her problem. She still loved her. She didn't want to get over Rana because that would mean accepting it was definitely finished between them. That she'd failed. That maybe Rana never loved her the way Kate did; if she had, maybe she'd be here right now. She was kept up half of the night by fantasies about Rana talking to Carla and getting the train down to Devon to find her. Every day, she was bitterly disappointed, and hated herself for hoping. 

Step four was to write a letter. Voicemail was out; so were texts, calls, and seeing her in person. Kate knew she'd probably never send the letter, and given how drunk she was at the time it would have been illegible anyway. But she'd always enjoyed giving notes to Rana after one of their “meetings”, or slipping them into her coat or bag for her to find later. Rana had always admonished her in case Zee came across one, but even so admitted she loved them and couldn't bear to part with them. 

So there was something freeing about sitting down at Carla's untidy desk and rooting around until she found a pad of paper and a working pen. There she took a swig of whatever was in her cup today, and started to write.

 

_ Dear  ~~ bitch ~~ Rana _

_ Sorry I probably shouldn't call you that just because I'm angry. and drunk. Im just sad and hurt and I want to take it out on other people but can't because that's not exactly what a mature adult does. Not that getting drunk and writing stupid letters is very mature either… I don't care youre never going to see this anyway, not that im not tempted to give this to you just to see your reaction. Although now I'm here I'm not sure what I want to say _

_ I love you. _

_ Do I?  _

_ Yep. Still love ya. Unfortunately.  _

_ I also hate you a bit. Dunno which one I feel more. It depends on how drunk I am i suppose. Im pretty wasted right now so I think the anger is winning out. And then I fucking look at your photo and I start the whole process again.  _

_ If Im honest I know I just want you back. I want to pretend none of this happened so I can have you back and kiss you at least. Even if it meant months more of drama and heartbreak I still feel like I want you back. And I know how pathetic that sounds because I should have more self respect than to let someone fuck me around the way you have. Turns out I don't have any self respect. Who knew? If I did maybe I wouldn't be in flaming Devon right now looking at your Facebook page, wishing it was me in those photos with you.  _

~~_ Wish I was with you so badly. Been too long since I kissed you. Felt your tongue against mine. God I want to feel you hold me one last time, or have you clutching at my shirt when I find a spot that is sensitive again _ ~~

_ Don't think about that don't think about that _

_ Fuck fuck fuck. FUCK. _

_ Why am I doing this? You'll never see this anyway. I'll never show you. You'll never hear most of how I feel about you because I just want to stay away from you, forget about you.  _ _ I know I'll never be able to though. I know I don't actually want to. _

_ Fuck. (you.) _

~~_ Love ,  _ ~~

_ Kate _


End file.
